Hey, Neighbor...

I've written an open letter to my neighbors. I think I'll submit it for publication in the next homeowners' association newsletter.

Hey, Neighbor...

I know you must be busy. You probably have a family, job responsibilities, and you likely have kids that demand that you take them to soccer practice, band practice, the German club, the Spanish club, Sylvan Learning, the psychologist, and college prep classes. But are you also a self-absorbed, utterly selfish bastad? I think you are, and here's why.

We've asked several times for your help with our volunteer homeowners' association, hoping you might at least acknowledge that the organization exists and that it provides services to you. You know, things like irrigation at the entrances to the subdivision, lawncare for those entrances, the little refrigerator magnets that remind you of the crime alert phone number, the telephone service for the crime alert, a newsletter, a website, opportunities to mix and mingle, and dozens of other "little" things. But you haven't responded, not even with an excuse that you're busy. You've just been just discourteous enough to utterly ignore us!

I realize you may be one of those 50%+ of our neighbors who don't pay the $50 annual homeowners' dues because you think they're too high, and so you don't think you're a part of the community. But could you at least acknowledge our existence when we ask for your help in finding a neighbor's cat? By the way, since you don't want to pay dues, would you mind if we simply didn't report any break-ins we see occurring at your home? Well, we won't ignore you, because that wouldn't be neighborly. Right.

Maybe you are one of those who does pay dues, though. You just think that absolves you of all other responsibilies. "Let someone else take care of the details." OK, bud, but your dues are going to increase. Send us a check for $2500 and we'll call it even, OK?

By the way, whether you paid your dues or not, if your car that's parked illegally ona curve on my street blocks the firetrucks coming to respond to a fire, even if it's a false alarm, the fire the fightfighters put out will be an automobile that began burning after being doused with an accelerant.