Christmas Letter

Here is what my Christmas letter would look like, if I were to send one, but I can't send it. Oh, I could, but some people might believe it and then I would go to jail or experience something equally as unappealing.


Dear Friends and Family,

This year has been a wild one indeed for the Geezer family! Mr. Geezer took a trip to Nigeria early in the year. He was able to leave safely, despite the fact that his secret meeting with a popular Nigerian drug lord was recorded by agents of the White House. The White House took a dim view of Mr. Geezer's encouragement to the Nigerians that a surgical strike by their drug insertion team could take care of a lot of the world's problems. As it turns out, the chief druggist isn't the guy Mr. Geezer thought he was, though. So, the opportunity to solve a lot of the world’s problems passed us by. However, Mr. Geezer was able to invest heavily in a scheme to benefit from passing bogus cashiers’ checks in an operation involving Money Gram, Walmart, and the White House.

You may know that Mr. Geezer has been whining about wanting a dog. You'd think the old fart was a 10-year-old-kid, the way he was carrying on. Mrs. Geezer got thoroughly fed up with that crap and insisted that he go out and buy a fucking dog! She pointed out, though, that HE was going to be the one taking the mutt for a walk and HE was going to be the one taking the dog to the vet and HE was the one who was going to scoop up the crap off the carpet and the lawn and the bed. With this little dose of reality thrown in his face, Mr. Geezer backed off the dog idea about mid-year, thought it still surfaces from time to time.

Some of the most exciting things that happened during the year were that we got three phone calls, excluding the nightly interruptions by marketers looking to sell Viagra and timeshares. The first call was from one of Mr. Geezer's sisters in California, who apologized for dialing the wrong number and then hung up. Mrs. Geezer's sister called twice, but the connections were bad, so the calls didn't last long. Both of us have vague recollections of a call from someone else, but we can’t be sure it happened.

But THE most exciting thing that happened just occurred days ago! After almost 28 years of marriage, we decided to have children!

Initially, all the talk was about adopting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie because they have some of the characteristics we like in children: excessive wealth and an apparent willingness to part with it to support their families. However, during our conversations, it became apparent to both of us that there could be problems with the adoptees, and none of us need to be in the headlines with questions about child-parent incest. Beyond that, they have children, themselves, so that presented its own set of problems. So, even though the first idea went down in flames, we're still pursuing kids to adopt. Our criteria include 1) excessive weath; 2) willing to share that wealth to us, the parents; and 3) willingness to contractually agree to provide for our eternal care if and when either or both of us should become incapable of looking out after ourselves. It’s important, as well, that the adoptees have no plans for children (or, rather, an aggressive plan to avoid children at all costs), since we steadfastly refuse to be grandparents. Not now. Not ever.

We expect to settle on the adoption deal shortly after the first of the New Year, after which we plan to drive to Austin to check on an acquaintance of Mr. Geezer's who just sent us a Christmas letter. She had not sent one last year, but we weren’t worried about the lack of contact. We had assumed the manhunt had been successful and she had finally been apprehended. But this year, she sent a new Christmas letter. She claims to be living in Austin with her "husband," but we've never actually seen him, nor has anyone else we know. Of course, we don't have any mutual friends...in fact, we don't have any friends...so that could be it. Anyway, she claims to be living in Austin with her husband, happily unemployed and selling nails (as in hammer and) on EBay. We're worried about her, since she tends to drink very, very heavily and, when she gets drunk, she gets naked...aggressively so. Mr. Geezer says he'll go down to see her first for a couple or three weeks before Mrs. Geezer makes the trip so he can calm her down first.

Another big piece of news around our house during the year was the hubbub over Mr. Geezer's altercation with a neighbor. The constant howling from the neighbor's children, both pre-teens, disturbed Mr. Geezer's sleep and non-sleep, so he invited the neighbor to either silence the children or dispose of their bodies. In what was an apparent miscommunication following that interchange, the neighbor was beaten nearly to death with his own left leg, which was severed just above the knee in an accident that only Mr. Geezer actually witnessed and can explain. Needless to say, that little dust-up really caused a ruckus in the neighborhood. The childless couples came to Mr. Geezer's defense, but the people who run baby factories that produce litters of ten or twelve yelping little monsters took the side of the police and the one-legged neighbor. Thanks to the fact that the District Attorney has what has been, thus far, a relatively unknown but very expensive cocaine habit, we were able to get his support in resolving the problem and leaving it behind us for now.

After we get the adoption situation resolved, we’re going to try to purchase some area churches and turn them into religious re-education centers. Our idea is that we can use the congregants as the first clients. After that, we’ll begin encouraging the creation of militias in anticipation of the presidential election, which we expect will be subject to the same sort of ballot fraud that ruined the last two.

All the best of the season to you and yours!