I came unglued today when, as I stepped on my brakes hard to avoid running through a yellow light, the guy behind me started mouthing expressions of annoyance with me. I saw it in my rearview mirror. He kept it up and I had a sensation that felt like a nerve in my brain had just short-circuited, shooting electrical impulses through my head. And, as I said, I came unglued. I started screaming at him and threw open my door, intent to go give him a piece of my mind. My wife was with me, and she screamed at me and grabbed my arm and pulled me back inside the car, scratching my arm pretty badly in the process.
Although I acquiesced to her admonition, I kept ranting and then, when the light changed and he started honking at me, my rage reignited. I made the turn and pulled into the right lane; the guy pulled up next to me and shot me the finger. And then my rage exploded even more. I swerved over toward his car and screamed something to him, probably a threat that I was going to kill the bastard, and took some satisfaction in seeing his car swerve. I held my rage in check, but kept pace with his car and glared at him. He switched lanes just before the next traffic light and turned off the road onto another one. And then I continued on my drive home.
There's no justification for my rage and resulting behavior, nor for the idiot's taunts. I think this is a signal that I need to withdraw into myself for awhile and think. What's driving me to the edge to the extent that I would almost get into a physical altercation with someone for a traffic insult?
I've always had a short fuse. Today, I felt like I had blasting caps going off inside my head. This is nuts. This is completely crazy. I will listen to Greg Brown singing "Laughing River" and maybe that will bring me back to the brink of sanity. It's not good becoming unhinged.
4 comments:
I take it you'd left your piece back in the pickup.
Well, this is just a thought, but maybe you're just working too hard and under too much stress. During the times in my life when I've been having to put up with a lot of crap, on occasion, my anger over things has taken me by surprise. I remember a few years ago, while I was finishing a degree at university, working part time tutoring at the university, commuting to the city for classes, and also trying to help my husband at his workplace as he could not find trained staff (I was the *only* person who knew how to do the job that could be found to fill in for an employee who was sick and off work for 2 years)... Anyhow, I came out of work one day after being driven almost mad by the fellows in the shop - there were a couple who were incredibly rude and abusive -- and I slipped while trying to cross over a heap of wet cardboard that some klutz had tossed on the ground and not bothered to put in the cardboard recycling bins. I twisted my back and almost fell, and was so damned mad that I started swearing and spinning around while kicking cardboard in every direction. I was absolutely furious to the point of being out of control. My husband watched while trying not to laugh out loud at my outburst. Finally, I calmed down after scattering cardboard for about 20 feet in every direction. I knew right then that I'd had enough of trying to juggle too many jobs. Maybe you should try to figure out if that's the problem. It seems like you work a lot, have to travel a lot, and are going to meetings on weekends. That isn't giving you much downtime to relax and mentally recharge. I know you have a lot of commitments, but maybe there's a way to just cut back -- get tough with clients who are demanding too much of you, etc... Anyhow, that's jmho, so to speak. Life is just too short to live under intense pressure, and it's also unhealthy as hell.
Phil, I'm just glad I didn't own a 'piece' yesterday, for I'm afraid I might have used it.
Bev, the idea of the person who takes such incredible photos...and who writes so brilliantly about nature...getting so mad is hard to imagine. But I trust it does happen! I guess my stress has something to do with my explosive outbursts, so I should take steps to control it. That's a start.
Well, such a "performance" is very rare as I'm generally a very laidback person, but I think that's a good illustration of what can happen to someone who is under far too much stress. I suspect that's part of what's going on with you at the moment.
Post a Comment