Random Firings of Frayed Nerves...

• Good news about the missing 15 year-old I wrote about last night. She was found, apparently in good shape, about 2:30 am and was put on a Greyhound bus to her father who picked her up this mornig. I know nothing more, other than the guy was ecstatic.
  
  
• Just moments ago, I caught the tail end of an interview on the News Hour with Jim Lehrer. Roger Rosenblatt talked about his novel, Beet. I've decided I need to read it; it sounds fascinating.
  
  
• Tomorrow I have a half-day session with association volunteers, followed by an early dinner, and then an all-day board meeting on Saturday. Oh what fun!
  
  
• I should have flown to Austin today to attend an event put on by an association to which I belong. I had registered, purchased a round-trip ticket, and told everyone I would be out of the office, but I couldn't force myself to do it. Too much to do in my office, too many demands on my time.
  
  
• My wife is insisting that we try to organize another neighborhood Ethnic Night Out soon,lest the concept fade away completely. We have a couple of new families in the neighborhood, neither of whom I have met, who have expressed an interest. They're both "ethnic" families, making it all the more interesting. One is either Indian or Pakistani, the other is Malaysian, I believe. OK, I'll ask them to pick the place!
  
  
• Some people might laugh at this, but the most expensive pair of shoes I've ever bought cost $125 and were casual, walking shoes. I have a "thing" against what I consider overpriced shoes. But after wearing this pair for a while, I've come to the conclusion that I've deluded myself all these years. My feet love them! So, my wife did a search on the Internet and found a place that sells the same shoes, in my size. I'm thinking, seriously, about buying 2 or 3 pair. They're just Rockport shoes, but they are the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn in my life!
  
  
• I'm still smarting over my assessment of what's happening politically...i.e, that John McCain is gaining ground fast and that his easier to swallow (for some people) positions may actually overcome the Democrats, no matter whch candidate goes to the top spot. I hope I'm wrong. But I'm afraid I'm not. And if we get another Republican administration, I've said I would leave the country. And I mean it. If only I can drag my wife along...

The World Can Change in the Blink of an Eye

A person's world can change in the blink of an eye. I just received an email, a forward, that informed me that the 14 year-old daughter of a guy I know from my job has disappeared in East Texas. The guy is from California. I don't know why his daughter was in East Texas, and it really doesn't matter. What matters is that she'e missing and has been for several days. Having no children, I can only imagine what it must be like for parents to deal with the disappearance of a child.

I've offered what help I can, via email, but that seems so utterly insufficient. For this guy, for anyone who loves the missing girl, everything on earth must seem to be inconsequential. The primaries, the weather in China, the situation with nuclear weapons in Korea...it must all become instantly irrelevant. And, just knowing of the situation, all these things become less important to me.

A geezer can feel so completely irrelevant when things like this are confronted. There's nothing consequential to be done. We sit and wait and wish. At least we can vote for the President; we can't vote for this girl's safety.

Microbusinesses

I have dozens of ideas for microbusinesses. I'm thinking of packaging the ideas and selling them. Do you know of any gullible enthusiastic people who might be motivated by someone else's ideas to get started in business, make money, and be perpetually well off from that point forward? If so, have them send me $15.95plus $3.75 shipping and handling and I'll send them some of my best microbusiness ideas. I'll even give you a commission if the buyers give me your name, address, telephone number, and date of birth during the purchase process.

Actually, I feel a little like I'm running a microbusiness. An unintentional microbusiness. If you like, you can actually buy my unintentional microbusiness. It comes complete with 10 desks, 10 telephone sets, a copier, and an office lease. First $999,000 takes it. Hurry. Offers are stacking up.

Edwards' Departure and Fears of a McCain Republican Victory

I'm still pissed off at the entire lot of them, Republicans and Democrats alike, but I was disappointed, nonetheless, that John Edwards dropped out of the race today. He's been forcing everyone to at least acknowledge the fundamental core beliefs upon which the Democrat Party ostensibly is based, so his decision to stop fighting is apt to have a profoundly negative impact on the content of campaign rhetoric, that is, the poor, disenfranchised, and thoroughly downtrodden won't likely be high on anyone's agenda.

But, at least he got Clinton and Obama to agree, as I undertand it, to ensure that they would put poverty on the top shelf, for everyone to see.

I'm facing the realities that, with John McCain's star rising, it's becoming more possible that people who would otherwise not have even considered voting Republican might actually think about it. His politics are not nearly as nastily right-wing as the other loonies, so some people who tend to have very moderately liberal views might (might, I say) be able to consider voting for him. Of course, if they want the war in Iraq to end and if they want even the possibility that someone will actually hold Bush accountable for his high crimes and misdemeanors,they won't support McCain...but I'm afraid many will. So, it scares me that McCain might be gaining ground. I'd rather the Republicans pick the Huckster or Romulus...decent people would certainly refrain from tainting their souls through voting for those demons.

But now, I'm faced with a choice: Clinton or Obama? As much as I hate it, it might come down to which of the two of them I think are most likely to overcome a McCain candidacy. And I don't know the answer to that.

I don't want to look at it that way. I really don't. But I'm too afraid of four more years of a Republican administration to have any other choice.

Catastrophe

At the office, we had an interesting staff meeting today. We bought tortas, from one of our favorite taquerias, for all the staff. My wife made her killer guacamole, with fresh jalapeños. We spent the lunch hour talking about upcoming projects, who needs to be aware of what, etc. And then we launched into the meat of the meeting: developing a crisis management plan.

I was impressed with the ideas that came out and the obvious depth of thought that some of our folks had given to the issue, the assignment for which was given about a month ago.

It's astonishing to realize how incrediby complex it would be to react to a catastrophe in our very small company. If a fire destroyed the entire office or if thieves stole our computers or if all our client websites when down simultaneously, we'd have a horrific problem to solve. Our conversations delved into many of the problems we might have to deal with and the kinds of things we need to do to enable us to immediately react to them. How would we set up a new office if ours were destroyed? What about our data? Even though we have backup tapes, etc., do we know exactly how to get them restored to new computers and who would do it? What would we do if we were off-site at the location of a soon-to-start conference and all meeting materials were destroyed in transit? What happens if we cannot reach our offices for several days due to storms, etc.?

All this stuff is frightening, but planning for how we'd react is the sort of thing that helps one sleep at night.

I'm not overwhelmed with my staff's response to my challenges to them to think about this, but I am impressed and appreciative. And I actually told them. That's not my style!

Peace Corps Pride

I have been watching a program on PBS tonight about Sargent Shriver and the Peace Corps. Extremely interesting. The thing that affected me most, though, was the fact that people who have served, and are serving, in the Peace Corps, are among the most impressive and impactful people on this planet. My niece served two years in the Peace Corps in Paraguay. God, I cannot believe how proud I am of her! And I am in awe of Sargent Shriver. John Kennedy and L.B.J., despite their personal flaws and foibles, were incredible leaders. Now, we have George Bush. Fuck! We need another Democrat, someone with a concience and a belief in humankind, so badly we can all taste it.

The Wrong Direction

The mad meteorologists are predicting a much warmer day tomorrow (Monday): 68 for a high, 54 for a low. Tuesday will bring another skid into the 30s, but the remainder of the week looks reasonably liveable, with highs in the 50s and lows in the 30s and 40s. Not so bad overall...a moderate climate for the time-being.

I've decided I need to take mood-altering drugs and I'm looking for recommendations. I have been, of late, far too high-strung and too prone to explosive overreactions to things that, in the overall scheme of the universe, are utterly unimportant. Knowing full-well that the admonitions to "chill" or "don't let it bother you" or "it's not the end of the world" or "you're overreacting" don't have any merit in my own tiny little mind, I'm looking for practical advice.

What will keep me more mellow: 1) a swift slap to the head with a cast-iron skillet; 2) a stern admonition to "grow up;" 3) a dose of morphine; 4) a couple of triple shots of tequila; 5) a friendly reminder that I'm nothing special and should expect the same; or 6) a treatise from my long-dead mother, telling me to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"

I need something. I have been an asshole tonight. I deserve the cast-iron skillet and, perhaps, a bullet to the temple. I really do want to chill. But I'm heading in the opposite direction.

Political Dialogue/Diatribe

Today is Sunday, the day after Barack Obama swept over the South Carolina primary to victory. I have to admit, the guy is an inspirational speaker. He has more charisma than Hillary Clinton and John Edwards. But charisma frightens me. My wife agrees, pointing out last night that Bush had charisma (at least many people think he had/has). She said she wished Americans would look deeper than just the ideas, just the charisma, and try to get a sense of how realistic and how effective a candidate will be when in office.

In many respects, she's right. Washington doesn't give a shit about inspiration, public speaking skills, or depth of vision. Washington eats such kittens for lunch. What we need is a person with integrity, honor, skill, intellect, and the ability to bring people together in a bipartisan way to pursue and achieve a truly good vision of what this country can become.

I don't believe there is a candidate running for President today that has all the attributes required to get us where we want to go. All three major Democratic candidates have made promises that they cannot possibly keep, yet they make them because that's what people want to hear. It goes without saying, to anyone who knows even a litte about my political views, the Republicans are not even in the same solar system as I am with respect to....anything. As many things as I like about Obama, Clinton, and Edwards, none of them has the wherewithal, in my book, to be completely, brutally honest, and yet still receive a strong measure of support and appreciation and complete approval of the American people. The reason is that they are hell-bent on lying about themeselves and one another and they can't bear to try the unique approach of sheer honesty for a change. For example, all three of them drone on and on about not putting any more burden on "the back of the middle class." Bullshit!

No matter who is elected, the only way we're going to get out from under the horrendous debt that Bush & company have left us with will be for everyone to shoulder part of the responsibility. I believe we'd have an ideal candidate if we could find one who could effectively articulate and successfully promote the pursuit of these strategic issues (and by selecting the best combination of the following as appropriate):

• Increased taxes, with more burden at high income levels, but with increasingly escalated shared burdens at all levels above 2 times poverty level
  
• Cost cutting/efficiency measures at all levels of federal, state, and local government
  
• Economic stiumuli for business and consumers
  
• Incentives to business to spend money in the U.S.
  
• Disincentives to consumers to spend money on foreign goods, but not so strong as to create unreasonable barriers to imports
  
• Dramatic restructuring of the health care industry to reduce costs
  
• Threats of nationalizing the pharmaceutical industry if obscene profits are not reigned in
  
• Threats of nationalizing the oil and petrochemical industries if obscene profits are not reigned in
  
• Universal health insurance coverage for everyone
  
• Strong disincentives for both corporate and individual welfare, while providing a strong safety net for individuals and families who need assistance
  
• Very strong disincentives for exclusive reliance on personal vehicles for transportation
  
• Some measure of protection against the disincentives above for trucking and related industries, provided those industries step up to the plate to reduce fuel consumption, minimize greenhouse gas emissions, etc.
  
• A nationwide conversation to reach some degree of consensus on a clear articulation of the responsibilities of each of the following: Federal government, state government, municipal government, businesses, church and community groups, families, and individuals
  
• Clear articulation and institutionalization of the premise that the U.S. will never again engage in preemptive military action nor attack another nation, unprovoked
  
• A strong global presence and international dialogue, without the arrogance of pretending we're the biggest and best and without the selfishness of insisting that we will support nothing that is not strictly in our self-interests.

So, who is this knight in shining armor? I haven't a clue. But we certainly need this man or this woman to step forward and into the limelight about now.

OK?

I'm tired of stupid conservatives. I'm ready to watch them writhe in horror. Let's elect a divorced Black lesbian atheist (a Communist who had a mixed-race child by artificial insemination after her first pregnancy was aborted because of concerns about the mother's drug use) as our next President. When she takes office, let's support her efforts to adopt universal sex re-education. OK?

Do Not Go Gentle...

It may be early yet, or at least I hope it is, but I find this particularly appealing at this very moment tonight. When the time comes, I want to be encouraged to rage aganst the dying of the light, but I don't want to be prevented from making the choice or, if I can't, having it made the way I'd want, to leave with some sense of dignity.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Bloggety Blog

After an agonizing night, awakening every few minutes to excrutiating pain in my right shoulder, I'm sitting here sipping my coffee. I'm not sure what I did, or exactly how I did it, but somehow I managed to do some damage to my shoulder or shoulder blade or neck or back or some combination thereof. The result is constant, but not excrutiating, pain in my shoulder, punctuated by sharp pain that tends to elicit shrieks and groans from me as I make just the wrong twist or turn.

Bad bones, bad joints, bad muscles, bad tendons, rugged nerve endings...something is nasty and giving me reasons to want to carve out chunks of my body and discard them. I've had similar bouts before, every year or two, so I'm confident this one, too, will slowly fade and I will be relatively pain-free in a couple of weeks. In the interim, though, I'd be grateful for a supply of morphine if you can spare some. Damn, Alex is no longer a pharmacist! She would no doubt have refused me, anyway.

Aside from my rant on the personal hell of aging, there's not much going on in my world. Yesterday, I picked up my brother's 1995 Mercedes cabriolet from the garage, its hydraulic vacuum cylinders replaced and its nice convertible top now functioning. Temperatures in the 30s and rain make it unlikely I'll be driving it around with the top down anytime soon, though.

Recent attempts at getting new clients have been, thus far, unsuccessful. I've been increasingly selective about who I'm willing to prepare proposals for, which tends to reduce my chances of getting new business, but also tends to reduce the chances that I'll accept a client I'll loathe from day one.

Speaking of business and entrepreneurial endeavors (well, we were almost speaking of those things), I had a conversation with a guy last week who has a couple of side businesses, in addition to being an employee of a company that pays him regularly. One of those businesses is a catering business that focuses almost exclusively on Scout troops, elementary and middle school activities, and the like. When the parents decide that volunteers are not sufficiently dependable, he offers up his catering and is welcomed with open arms. He makes hot dogs, burgers, and other such stuff or, if he's tired and doesn't have the energy, he just buys pizzas and hands out slices. He says he makes, on average, between $200-$500 for each event, which typically requires about 3hours of his time. Not a bad little side business, eh? He says he normally does 1-3 events per month, but on some weekends he might have 2-3 going. I admire entrepreneurs (is that self-congratulatory, or what?), particularly the "little guy" who either supplements his or her regular income or who jumps in full-bore, trying to just make a living.

Another entrepreneur I know is devoting a lot of her time and energy to creating products that she can sell on the Internet. She beats the drum that "content is king," and has amassed an enormous volume of information that she is packaging and selling from various websites she has created. In fact, she has created an educational program, including 8 CDs, several worksbooks, etc., that explains exactly how to go about doing it; she charges about $500 for it. It will be interesting to see how that product goes.

Finally, here's a bit of utterly useless Internet crap, the results of a "personality test" that ostensibly reads my personality on the basis of which photo I selected as most appealing:

Your Personality Profile

You are funky, outdoorsy, and down to earth. While you may not be a total hippie... You're definitely one of the most free spirited people around. You are very impulsive - every day is a new adventure. However, you do put some thought behind all your actions. Still, you do tend to shock and offend people from time to time!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Ice Worker

The meteorologists are forecasting sleet and ice for later tonight and tomorrow through noon. In Dallas, that means complete gridlock, sliding cars, wrecks, ditches filled with dozens of vehicles, emergency road crews, and widespread panic.

My staff were almost giddy this afternoon at the prospect of an "ice day." That's not good. Why are they so anxious not to go to work? Is it because I'm so anxious not to go to work?

I'm OK with this. Either I go to work or I don't. I have a computer with access to my server at my office. The only issue is the phones. If only I had a good phone system, I'd be set.

Are you working tomorrow?

Save a Mexican Mutt

Today, when I got home, I had a form letter waiting for me from Jim Karger, an acquaintance of mine from years ago, asking me to contribute to a cause close to his and his wife's hearts, a rescue organization for dogs in Mexico. They founded Save a Mexican Mutt and have done a lot with the organization as they've helped find homes for more than 200 pets.

My wife is not nearly as prone to make donations to any organizations as I am. I don't know why. She was taken aback when I insisted on making a very large (for us) donation to Katrina relief and equally astonished when I insisted on a donation of similar size to tsunami relief. When I give $25 here to a charity for which an acquaintance is seeking contributions, she winces. When I do it again for another charity, for another acquaintance, she winces again. And when I do it four or five or six times to other organizations that do good work, she wishes I'd let someone else make a contribution from time to time. Well, I'm going to give her another reason to wonder about my sanity. I'm going to contribute to Save a Mexican Mutt.

I really appreciate people who actually get off their butts and do something to change the world. I'm too often not one of those people, but I really do appreciate those who do. Every time I decide to make a contribution to some cause or another, I want to devote my life to one or more of those causes; I want to quit the rat-race and focus on something that matters. At the very least, I want to make at least a modest difference with my money, if not with my time and energy.

I've come to the conclusion that, if I were to stumble into a financial windfall that would let me retire tomorrow, I'd change my life. I'd devote quite a bit of the windfall to causes I believe in. I'd not retire, though, I'd be certain to spend my time and energy supporting those causes.

So that's what retirement is for....I've wondered.

Shakespeare Knew

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Fingers

This is an exercise in knowing what you like. Try to find it. If I had longer fingers, I'd type more. But a positive thing about short fingers is this: there's less area that's exposed to the cold when one isn't wearing gloves.

Lewis Black, Dammit

I love Lewis Black's comedy. Here are a couple of videos from YouTube.com:

Grizzly Bastard

A friend sent me an email this afternoon; first time I've heard from him since before the Christmas holidays. He groused that I hadn't wished him a merry Christmas, not a word, and happy New Year, then proceeded to assert that was just as much his problem as mine, since I haven't heard from him. He then got down to business, asking me for contact information for a headhunter I mentioned to him long ago, saying he couldn't reveal the reasons for the request. Here's my response to him. I can be a grizzly bastard when I want to be.

Santa's dead, killed in a one-vehicle accident just before 4:00 am on Christmas eve. Alcohol was involved. So was a 68-year-old hooker named Savannah, who'd just given St. Nick a gift of head in return for a couple of grams of crack cocaine, a bottle of personally-prepared corn liquor, and a gun.

Call me for the information you seek; it will cost you dearly, now that Santa's gone.

BTW, I've guessed all the reasons you could have for the question and have come up flush with answers.

Anti-Starvation Conversation

My scheduled talk with the president of one of our client groups went well, better than I expected. I was ready to terminate our contract, and I think she was equally prepared to call it quits. But, after a frank interchange, we ultimately agreed to give it another try. At least briefly.

So, I shall not starve in the immediate near-term.

I've Got the Fever

The "cab" the hotel called for me this morning was more than the typical yellow taxi. Despite the fact that it was an SUV instead of a creaky old Chevy and despite the fact that SUVs guzzle gas, ruin the environment, and generally piss me off, this one was different. Despite the fact that this cab was a Lexus, which I consider in many respects to be the anti-christ of cars, this car was something else, something dreamy. In my mind, this one was different, very different. I was love-struck. I needed to have a deep relationship with that Lexus. I wanted to have a child with that car!

It was whisper quiet inside the cabin as we whizzed down the freeway toward the Long Beach airport. Soft, luxurious leather seats caressed my skin and, I believe in my heart, whispered sweet nothings in my ear. An incomparable stereo system played soft jazz in the background. And a full-color GPS screen displayed exactly where were were at every moment.

When I commented to the driver about the GPS, he decided to show me some of its features, including a voice recognition system. "Chinese restaurants," he said to the GPS. Nothing happened for a couple of seconds and I started to feel embarrassed for the guy, but then tiny little boxes popped up all over the map on the display. He touched one of the boxes and up popped a little box with the restaurant name, address, telephone number, and link to a mapper. If he had touched the map symbol on the restaurant pop-up, he said, he would be directed visually and verbally how to get there. Then he did another demo: "Amusement parks," he said, and three our four little boxes appeared.

My brain started to scream at me: "Conspicuous consumption! Rich-person's toys! What about the people who are starving?!" But by then I had been seduced. I wanted that vehicle. I stroked the luscious grey leather seat, hoping it would respond. But by that time we were at the airport, and the driver's voice and our rapid decceleration made me realize our little rendezvous was over.

Much later today, I told my wife about the vehicle and said, "I think it was a message from god, telling me I need to buy a vehicle like that." "You don't believe in god," she replied, to which I said, "But I can believe, I can! I promise I will, if only he or she or it will just give me that car. It will be a sign that my atheism has been wrong, wrong, wrong! And it will make me a true believer in automotive miracles!"

She gave me a look the way she sometimes does, the look that at once conveys pity, scorn, and disdain. I turned away quickly, knowing that my rebirth as a true believer would not come soon, nor would my dream vehicle.

Maybe my worsening cold contributed to all of this...but I have to believe there was a connection between us. Now, I'll have to tell the bastard.

Kentucky Fried Kitten, Anyone?

I awoke this morning...well, several times this morning and last night...to fits of sneezing. And they continue. I believe, with all my heart, that I have a full-blown cold. All the other symptoms are there. Stuffed-up head, mild fever, slightly throbbing headache, puffy eyes. Oh well, it happens every once in a while, so I'll just have to muddle through it. But I hate that I have to fly tomorrow...the pressurized aircraft will do a real job on my inner ears.

Maybe I should just buy a car out here and drive it home. That would serve my current car, the bastard, right. But a trip from Long Beach to Dallas would probably take more time than I can realistically afford to give it.

For reasons unknown, as I awoke to my sneezing fit this morning, I remembered an episode in a restaurant in Beijing in 2006, wherein one the waitstaff could not pronounce "chicken" and instead spoke the word, "kitten." It was at once deliriously funny and horrifying to hear her describe the ingredients of the meal someone at the table had just eaten.

Here's to the Downtrodden

I started the day, as too often I do, with an explosive reaction to something that, upon reflection, wasn't as bad as I made it out to be. My employee, who is with me in Long Beach, make some very serious mistakes in producing packets of information. My promise to myself that I'd be calm in the face of such things quickly went out the window. I came close to firing her. She screwed up, but she didn't deserve the lambasting I gave her. I bought her a couple of margaritas tonight while she used my notebook computer to check her email. I did apologize, sometime later in the day, but I can speak from experience about how much such apologies mean. That would be zip.

Shit.

I would sure like to go to Catalina Island tomorrow, instead of the trade show. Better for everyone, I think, but my business sense says no.

Maybe I'll just take a bottle of gin to the trade show floor. Join me for a toast to the downtrodden?

Long Beach Living

It's about 10:30 pm in Dallas, but only 8:30 pm where I am in Long Beach. It feels later than 8:30, of course, because I just got here today.

A quick trip to the convention center to put up a trade show booth and lug in boxes upon boxes, then time to look around the downtown area just a touch, then dinner at an obvious chain restaurant. But it wasn't too bad, just not what I had wanted. A barbeque place called Famous Dave's, full of gimmicks and touristy crap...but I could eat it. Unique and tourist-heavy are mutually exclusive terms, I guess.

I'm staying in the Coast Long Beach Hotel, just up the street from the Queen Mary. It's an older place, but not at all bad, especially considering the package rate I got for it; I opted for an airfare/hotel package instead of the normal tactic of getting an inexpensive airfare and finding a convenient hotel near the convention center. I think I saved about 50% acting like a desperately poor tourist; which, of course, describes me pretty well.

Tomorow and Saturday are 10 to 5 days; I leave on Sunday. One day I'll actually listen to my own advice and take an extra day on either end of a business trip to see the sights I'm missing while locked into convention centers or meeting rooms.

I like the weather here. I'm planning on taking some of it with me back to Dallas on Sunday.

Put That Person Down

I should acknowledge that I am here. OK. I am here. I miss my balloon ride. But I am here.

On Thursday of this week, I head out to Long Beach for a trade show; it's not for a client but for the for-profit association we own. It is really unfortunate that I have been unable to force my hand...and spend more time on that association. Had I done so, we'd been in high cotton. But, I've devoted my time and energy and money to my paying clients,not my own bread and butter.

I am, to be perfectly blunt, a fucking moron. If you're married to a person like me, have that person put down. It's not healthy for you. If you've lived this long and are still sending money the wrong direction, you're an idiot. I don't mean to be offensive, but, Christ, you're an idiot!

Up, Up and Away

I go up and down. Yesterday was more of a down day. Today started, at least, as an up day. Way up. I surprised my wife with a sunrise ride in a hot air balloon. Neither of us had ever been in a hot air balloon, but both have always wanted to. There was no particular occasion for the gift, other than just wanting to do it.

Here are some shots I took surrounding this little adventure:

Still not quite daylight...the balloon is off the van and the outfitting is set to begin:







Tipped on its side, the balloon basket is set to start filling the balloon with hot air, once the electric fan opens the balloon's envelope:







Here, the mouth of the balloon is being held open so the air from the fan can be blow in to open the envelope:







Our balloon and another one begin to fill with air, almost ready to be "fired up" with the heat from the propane:







In this photo and the next, massive flames roar into the balloon, filling it with hot air.







Here's a shot of the other balloon, still on the ground, alongside the chase vehicle that will follow us:







This is looking straight up into the balloon we're in:







Looking back toward the ground, and toward the balloon that left the ground shortly after ours did:







The following shots are looking back toward the ground...bare trees, long distances, a pond (with blowing mist rising from it) we almost touched and a small herd of cows expressing their dismay as we grazed the field they call home:







Here's our shadow as we near touch-down in the front yard of an elementary school:Deflating the monster, once we've reached the ground again:







Finally, back to the bare basket, the balloon having been put in its bag and put away. Amazing that seven people fit in that tiny little basket:

Where is the Balance?

Life is fundamentally unfair, but it's not naturally so. We make it that way. There's at the very least a willingness to allow it to be that way; at worst, we build it into the fabric of capitalism.

People with little means rarely have the opportunity to change the world, at least in positive way. But people who have lots of money can, after socking away enormous amounts of it, decide to "do good" with their wealth and thus feed their need for making a difference in the world. The ability to redirect their enormous wealth toward doing good things is their atonement for their gluttony. But can gluttony be atoned?

Fortunately, the things the wealthy sometimes do can be extraordinarily positive, but I think it makes sense always to look beneath and behind the benefactors. Is it enough to quit your millionare-maker job in your thirties to then move on to your next role as the eliminator of literacy in developing countries? Should there be any assessment of the pre-conversion behavior? How many people could have been helped before the rich man "saw his vision" as a deliverer of salvation, but who, instead, were discarded and lost like a pair of shredded socks?

Let's look at Bill Gates. I don't think anyone would argue that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is not a powerful organization dedicated to doing good. But how much MORE good could have been done along the way if the billions and billions of dollars that fund that organization had not been squirreld away and, instead, had been used as it had been needed? Is it better for someone to amass enormous wealth through any means possible, at untold human cost and with unimaginable destruction to smaller businesses, innovators, and idea-generators...and THEN start a foundation? Or would it be better not to amass such enormous wealth at all...and, instead, use wealth as it is earned to do good things?

Bring it a step closer to home. Wouldn't the world be a better, more comfortable place for many millions more people if we of the "middle class" would be willing to live much simpler and less video-intensive lives, opting to divert much of our wealth to providing fundamental shelter for people in need? How badly do we need that 46 inch television? How big a difference would the money we spent on it have made to the family living in dirt-floored shack on the edge of a river in Asia?

What makes me angry, and makes me personally ashamed, is the outpouring of liberal bullshit from people who talk a big game about doing something about conditions throughout the world but who, when it comes to brass tacks, won't give up their embarrasing riches, not even a little, to share with others. I don't recall where I first read the term, "am embarrassment of riches," but ever since I've felt that embarrassment whenever I compare my life with people on the verge of oblivion. My extra televisions, my 2-car family, my choices to go out to dinner, etc., are deliberate choices I have made at the expense of people who are desperate for ANYTHING to make their lives better. Where is the "correct" balance between having too little and having too much?

Reactions

The client that is spiraling into financial oblivion now recognizes the depth of the problem, but is not willing to do the "hard" things to solve the problem...things like opt not to buy the board of directors a nice dinner and drinks. They do want me to come back to them with the impact on services if they had to ask me to reduce my fees by 30%. They're still not getting it.

I'm back the Florida east coast, away from the deep wierd hotels and young rich people and insane parties. I'm not absolutely sure Miami is a real city; it may be someone's fantasy that has somehow gotten into the fabric of life in our dimension. At any moment, someone might notice and it will be yanked back into the eighth dimension.

I'm concerned about sporadic little chest pains that are not bad, but that catch my attention. They present themselves as little "stutters" of pain that start and stop and start and stop and then go away, only to return few hours later. I'm into about the 3rd or 4th day with this. If they persist, I'll have an excuse to call the cardiologist next week. I absolutely MUST stop eating so damn much; it's probably my body complaining bitterly that there's no more room inside for organs; it's all being taken up by fat!

Other clients falling apart around me. Yech.

Sunday morning, I'm giving my wife a nice surprise gift for no particular reason. I'll report on it after the fact and will say how she reacts to it.

Administrative Torture Parading as Glamor

I'm off to Miami in the morning for a strategic planning session for an organization I work with. Oh boy.

The meeting will begin late tomorrow afternoon, continue through dinner, and go late into the evening, then start up early again the following morning and the morning thereafter. We finish up by 3 or 4 on Friday, then dash to the airport for the flight home.

Next week, I head out Thursday morning for Long Beach. The pattern: set up a trade show booh on Thursday afternoon, stand at the booth from 10 to 5 on Friday and Saturday and 10 to 3 on Sunday, then dash to the airport to catch a flight home. If I'm lucky, I may get to have dinner at a decent place. The one saving grace: I have an absolutely unbreakable rule: no fast food, ever.

Then, the following week is meeting-free. But February 1 and 2 I'm back in all-day meetings with client boards.

Oh, yeah, baby, this is the life! Glamor, with a capital G.

Poignant

Don't believe it, not for a second! It was all a joke! And, then, of course, we'll have to investigate just how it would impact my way of saying it's all not true. Or, as Rod Stewart would say, in his powerful little way:

"If I listen long enough to you,
I'd find a way to believe that it's all true.
Knowing, that you lied, straight-faced,
While I cried.
Still I look to find a reason to believe.

Is that powerful and poignant or what?

Nerves

No one deserves them the way I do. No one. But now, of course, we have to find out why and where it's true.

Goodnight, all, and be aware that I have truly enjoyed it, every little bit.

Musical Madness

If this works, I will have accomplished the shameless theft of a piece of music from a blog I read regularly. The bloggist, a fanatic for Ohio State football and a former member of the Ohio State band, is as insanely overconnected to football as anyone I've known. This is sad, of course, because, aside from this odd malady and his addiction to open water kayaking, he seems to be an intelligent and otherwise normal person. This, of course, is not all true; I admire kayaks and the people who train them to float.

By the way, his wife cannot find new books to read because she has read them all. All of them. Every one.

Missing Words

Listening to music earlier today, I began thinking about how vivid a picture of our society is painted by the music of the day. When I hear something a little out of the ordinary in the words to a song, it catches my attention. Usually, it makes me think that the complexity of our language is diminishing, an artifact of the erosion of the quality of teaching in our schools.

Now, that's probably wrong; it's not necessarily the quality of teaching that is eroding, it's the quality of people who are going into teaching...simply because our society underpays and undervalues teachers.

Back to my point. This morning, as I was listening to Myriad Harbor by the New Pornographers, I noted their use of the word "anthology" in that song. That's a word that was well-known and often-used when I was going to school; anthologies of poetry or anthologies of the works of a particular author or of a particular style of writing were commonly discussed in school. Today, I'm afraid a lot of high-school age kids would be hard-pressed to explain what an anthology is.

This rant is not about "anthology." It's about how language seems to be coursing downward because the richness of a highly specialized and highly descriptive vocabulary is undervalued. I see and hear pockets of rich language from time to time, but it's rare. It's especially rare to hear younger people use, or even acknowledge understanding, vocabularly that exemplifies a person who is well-read and knowledgeable.

When I was much younger, I remember Paul Simon's use of "a simple desultory philippic" for a song title. At the time, I did not know what those words meant, but hearing them made me run for the dictionary. I don't know if that's the common response today when a person is confronted with an unfamiliar word.

Of course, I may be utterly wrong-headed about my concerns about language. I've written before about Anu Garg's A Word a Day, which I gather is popular and growing in popularity, a sign that interest in expanding one's vocabularly may be on the rise. Incidentally, I recommend that site; and I recommend subscribing.

I'll get off my geezer pedestal now and return to regularly scheduled programming.

Day 5, Year 2008

When I walked out my front door this morning, I was greeted by a lawn that was absolutely awash in leaves from some neighbors' oak trees. Overnight, approximately ten tons of leaves fell from those trees and into my yard. Another neighbor decided to deposit the detritus from her remodeling job; the boxes in which hardwood flooring had been delivered to her home were scattered all over the yard. I put the cardboard out to the side yard, ready to be hauled out for "bulky trash pickup" on Monday. I hope a mysterious wind will blow all the leaves away.

I spent most of the day either working at home or working at the office. However, I was not very efficient, so there's much, much more to be done before I leave for Miami for a client meeting on Wednesday morning. I guess I'll work again on Sunday and/or arrive early or stay late on Monday and Tuesday.

I'm still wondering what I was thinking when I informed my client that I'm considering resigning the account. In hindsight, it's a sign that I'm either very stupid or I have really run up against the wall, hard, and am completely burned out. This, after an almost two-week break. Maybe I needed more...or less.

Day 4: I May Have Lost My Mind

I informed my second largest client today that I am considering resigning the account. This is something I should have done last summer, but didn't. The president and I talked for awhile and agreed to talk in two weeks; by that time, both of us will have had time to decide if we even want to try to make a go of it. I doubt they will. I seriously doubt I will.

It was a foolish move, quite probably, particulary given the fragility of my largest account. But, despite the fear of what I'll have to do to survive when they're gone, I'm glad I did it. We need to focus on what we can do well. I have to figure out what that is.

Edwards Steps Up...

OK, I admit it, I watched the news to get the results of the Iowa caucuses. The Republicans don't matter, of course, but the Democrats are of interest to me.

I've come to the conclusion, at least for today, that our best bet for the immediate near term will be John Edwards. Even though he came in well behind Obama and only slightly ahead of Clinton, his "victory" speech sounded for all the world to me like a rallying cry for democracy.

I think Obama has lots of good qualities and I'd be delighted to have a person of color in the White House, but I'm a bit concerned about his experience, or lack thereof. I heard his response to a question about how he'd handle a specific issue not long ago; his response was sure and solid and completely uniformed. The action he said he would take simply would not be available to him under the law (I don't recall specifics...it was fairly minor). That bothered me.

Clinton is OK, but I have lots of issues with her. I felt that Bill really believes in democracy; I think Hillary really believes in using the language of democracy.

So, for today, I'm leaning toward Edwards. But I'm still hoping for my dark horse candidate to step out of the shadows and articulate a vision that will be so compelling I will feel absolutely obligated to support the candidate. Even with Edwards' very nice oratory tonight, he's not the leader I'm really hoping for.

Day 2, Year 2008

In Day 2 of Year 2008, I was reminded how bloody difficult it can be to remain cool when confronted with frustration. Due in large part to my insistence that I will be less explosive and more mellow, I was able to remain cooler than normal today when faced with some larger-than-life frustrations, but it was a struggle. When one's demeanor is akin to a rapid-fire series of minor explosions, a less explosive reaction to the vagaries of the day takes a concerted effort.

There is so much to be done, so many corrections to be made. After I make the necessary corrections to the earth and sky, perhaps I'll spend more time on myself. [Put the tongue in the cheek, please.]

I had a message from a friend; we hadn't communicated recently. A loved one of my friend's is seriously ill. I'm sending good thoughts to the both of them, knowing that my thoughts can't make a difference in outcome, only in the experience on the way there.

Beginning a New Year

It's here. 2008. It doesn't look much different from 2007, so far. It feels a bit colder this year, though. The temperature is hovering around 30 degrees right now. The meteorologists are saying tonight we'll feel a steep drop into the twenties or, perhaps, the teens in some areas.

Otherwise, though, I look outside and don't see any significant differences. Same bright blue sky, same newly-barren trees whose wardrobes of leaves still litter the yards and streets of my neighbhorhood.

The trees had their parties before New Year's Eve, it seems. What I see now is evidence of their debauchery, their apparel strewn carelessly about. They're not ashamed to confront us, stark-naked, with their garments scattered in plain sight. It's as if they are standing defiantly, bragging about their wanton ways, looking for someone, anyone, to question their honor. It certainly won't be me. I'm a liberal. We try not to measure others against our own moral standards. We only measure ourselves against those benchmarks. This, of course, is said with tongue planted firmly in-cheek.

I've entered into 2008 with an intent to develop a new perspective. I will try to look at the world through less judgmental eyes. I will try to understand the motives behind others' actions so that, despite the fact that I may condemn the actions themselves, I might better understand what brought them about.

I listened to a very interesting segment of To the Best of Our Knowledge on December 30. Here is a brief description of one of the people who was interviewed, a guy who's now in his 70s: "Satish Kumar became a Jain monk at the age of nine. Now he's the editor of Resurgence magazine, founder of Schumacher College in England, and one of the leading voices bringing together spirituality and ecology. Kumar talks with Steve Paulson about how his spiritual values have informed his life."

Many of Kumar's words resonate with me for some reason, and in particular: "If we seek fulfillment, we will have no stress. If we seek success, we will have stress." I plan to listen to him again and I want to read what he has to say. If, by any chance, anyone who happens by this post has read or heard Kumar, I'd like to hear from you...what you think.

I'm fascinated by this guy and his ideas. He appears to be the consummate optimist, but an optimist who recognizes optimism needs the support of deliberate action; I think that's an interesting and informative attitude.