Today, I heard too many reports on the news about people in Texas who probably were not guilty, yet were executed by the State. It hurts me physically to think about that. It's horrible.
That's not the only thing that is on my mind today. Today, I question my own worth...today, I wonder why I can live a reasonably nice life, while people who are unquestionably better human beings than I can not. It's not just a matter of our justice system abusing people, it's about the rest of us doing it. Why do we kill people? I used to be a huge supporter of capital punishment. I'm not at all a supporter today. The fact that I would have supported the death penalty makes me ashamed. And I feel ashamed that I live in a rather nice house, without many awful attributes, but people who are at least as good as I am are living in squalor. I could change that, but I haven't. I could offer a place for them to stay, but I don't.
I do have mixed feelings. It is reasonable to believe, I think, that inviting utter strangers into one's home is not a good idea. But that attitude encourages us to keep our distance from strangers....it makes us not want to know them, to understand them.
I don't know if I have enough goodness in me to do the right thing. I don't know if I could ignore my own value, or lack thereof, enough to give others what they deserve.
I'm confused tonight. I have too much, I don't give others enough, I don't share my
largesse with people who deserve it. I want to be a good person, but I don't think I have enough strength.
My sister is going to Egypt. I want her to learn a lot and enjoy herself and come back in 2 weeks happy. My brother is going to take the bus back from Mexico, experiencing the world the way Mexican families experience travel through that country. My brother and sister in Texas are living lives of people who live almost in poverty. My brother and his wife in Mexico are living in a foreign land, not knowing that they can depend on the government to take care of them. I live in Dallas, in a place that ignores the rest of the world. It's embarrassing! I'm too fat and happy. I don't want to live a hard life, but I want to appreciate people who do...I want to always understand and recognize and acknowledge and help them. It's too easy to forget. I allow myself to forget.
Who out in the world shares my thoughts? Am I insane? Am I an utter loser, unable to accept happiness the way I should? This has been a long week. I want some respite from it.
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