Identity Erasure Through Carpentry...or something like that

Typing on a computer keyboard covered with a fine coating of gypsum dust is agonizing. It's hard to describe the sensation I feel as the tips of my fingers touch the keys; every touch gathers more dust, pressing the dust deep into the ridges of my fingerprints. I look at the tips of my fingers, but see no difference, but I can feel the difference. It's as if I am working to erase my fingerprints...each time my finger strikes a key, the depth of the ridge diminishes as a hair breadth of finely powdered dust finds its way into those ridges.

I'm doing this because I'm still dealing with the dust created by sanding the walls in my house as the painter prepared them for painting. The dust is exceptionally fine and it fills every microscopic void in the house. Every step I take across carpet gives rise to tiny clouds of dust beneath me, and those clouds waft through the rooms, covering everything. I dusted, quite aggressively, just yesterday and today I walked in and saw a white coating over everthing. I am looking forward to this project ending and to seeing a clean, dust-free house again.

How I Keep Current

I do not rely on newspapers for my news anymore...at least not on hard-copy newspapers. I get information online now from a variety of sources including CNN, NPR, domestic and foreign newspapers websites, etc. It's interesting how the Internet has changed the way information is distributed, delivered, stored, and used. If I were to rely on newspapers, I would not have known this early in the day (just after 6:00 am) that a 6.4 magnitude earthquake struck off the coast of Greece early today and was felt in Athens. It's still too early to know whether it caused any damage, but it's amazing to me that I already know about it.

I buy the local Sunday paper, but I rarely read a great deal. Instead, I log on to the New York Times and get news, read book reviews, get thoroughly doused with heartfelt opinions from its op-ed pages, and just enjoy being entertained. For simple news reporting, I tend to read the CNN website and NPR website and scan a few others. And to get a sense of what others think of us here in the U.S., I scan a few English language sites from other countries.

I am able to have custom tailored news delivered to my email account, thanks to Google news alerts. I've only set up two of them thus far and probably will be very careful in setting up more, for fear of being inundated with messages. I set up one to ensure that I am made aware of news stories dealing with one of my client associations...any time a specific phrase appears in a news story, I receive an email link to that story. Because most hard-copy news items also find their way online quickly (often before appearing in print), I usually get to read the news as quickly as anyone who subscribes to the magazine or newspaper.

I'm still not quite sure how I can do all of this without having to pay for it; I don't see how advertisers are paying the bill, but then perhaps I do not fully understand Internet advertising. It would not surprise me, though, to find that I will have to pay subscription fees, etc. to keep this sor to thing coming.

I've spent enough time sharing my thoughts this morning. Next, I'll keep after the mountains of dust in my house...but first, I have the remains of a pot of very nice and strong coffee to finish.

Learning Access and Cleaning Up the House

I have a long list of things to do around the house...clean up, fix-up, clear-away, put up, dust, etc., etc., etc. So, later today I will devote some time to those tasks. This morning, though, I will go to my office to meet with three other people on staff, along with a guy who is a Microsoft Access expert, to learn something about using Access in my business. What I know so far has been learned through trial and error, getting online help, etc. I'm tired of slogging my way through it that way and tired of being the only person in the office who is able to solve problems by using Access. So, today is the beginning of getting other people involved.

They want to know how to use Access, too, and I want them to know how to do it right. Hence the outside expert...I'm afraid I may have learned the longest, most convoluted ways of doing what I can do...I want them to learn how to do it right. And I want to know how I can do it faster, easier, simpler. Mostly, though, I want my staff to be able to do the work, instead of me. It't not that I'm lazy, just that I feel that, if I am going to pay these people, they should contribute the way I want them to. Since I've not invested much, so far, in training them to do what I want them to do, it's time I did.

So, this morning is Access training...this afternoon is clean-up, errands, fix-up...and this evening will be a time to relax. Now what I need is time and solitude to write.

I'm Not Smart Enough to Be Fair or Dumb Enough to be Happy

Today, I heard too many reports on the news about people in Texas who probably were not guilty, yet were executed by the State. It hurts me physically to think about that. It's horrible.

That's not the only thing that is on my mind today. Today, I question my own worth...today, I wonder why I can live a reasonably nice life, while people who are unquestionably better human beings than I can not. It's not just a matter of our justice system abusing people, it's about the rest of us doing it. Why do we kill people? I used to be a huge supporter of capital punishment. I'm not at all a supporter today. The fact that I would have supported the death penalty makes me ashamed. And I feel ashamed that I live in a rather nice house, without many awful attributes, but people who are at least as good as I am are living in squalor. I could change that, but I haven't. I could offer a place for them to stay, but I don't.

I do have mixed feelings. It is reasonable to believe, I think, that inviting utter strangers into one's home is not a good idea. But that attitude encourages us to keep our distance from strangers....it makes us not want to know them, to understand them.

I don't know if I have enough goodness in me to do the right thing. I don't know if I could ignore my own value, or lack thereof, enough to give others what they deserve.

I'm confused tonight. I have too much, I don't give others enough, I don't share my
largesse with people who deserve it. I want to be a good person, but I don't think I have enough strength.

My sister is going to Egypt. I want her to learn a lot and enjoy herself and come back in 2 weeks happy. My brother is going to take the bus back from Mexico, experiencing the world the way Mexican families experience travel through that country. My brother and sister in Texas are living lives of people who live almost in poverty. My brother and his wife in Mexico are living in a foreign land, not knowing that they can depend on the government to take care of them. I live in Dallas, in a place that ignores the rest of the world. It's embarrassing! I'm too fat and happy. I don't want to live a hard life, but I want to appreciate people who do...I want to always understand and recognize and acknowledge and help them. It's too easy to forget. I allow myself to forget.

Who out in the world shares my thoughts? Am I insane? Am I an utter loser, unable to accept happiness the way I should? This has been a long week. I want some respite from it.

Much Painting and Such

The painters have come back to (almost) complete the painting jobs. We now have a nice two-tone dining room, in two shades of gray, with a bright white trim. The entryway is light gray, with the same white. The guest bath is gray, too, and will eventually have nice white trim (couldn't afford the trim there to be painted).

All the tile has been removed from the kitchen and breakfast room, leaving a godawful dusty mess all over the house. Dust everywhere! Tomorrow, the work begins to float the concrete floors smooth, after which 16" tiles (dark brown, mottled, with a slate texture) will be laid at a 45 degree angle, instead of the 90 degree pattern that was there before.

I'd rather be home, working on the house, than at the office thinking about it during the say. Much more interesting...but the pay isn't adequate!

My keyboard is dusty and so is my computer screen. The keyboard feels awful on my fingers, so it's time to stop.

Miners

I wrote the bit below earlier this evening. I'll write just a tiny bit more, on a different subject. The painting and repair work on our house is progressing and, I hope, coming to an end in the not-too-distant future. We cancelled some of the work due to cost...I may try to do it myself. But what's being done is an improvement. The house is godawful dusty, though...a fine layer of white dust on EVERYTHING. It will take months to clean up. Tomorrow, the guest bath will (we hope) be painted a light shade of gray. Later, we'll jazz up the trim and mirrors and such. But at least the torn sheetrock and twisted wallpaper will be history.

I'm tired. More later...in the week.

-------------------------------------------------------

Today, the news from West Virginia was heartbreaking...first, the miners' families were told 12 miners were alive and well, then they learned they had died. That must have been a gut-wrenching, horrible experience.

I'm thinking of the miners and their families tonight. I can't empathize, because I've never experienced such a thing, and I hope I never do. But I do feel for the families. It must be awful.

I have much more to say, but I am leaving shortly to meet my wife for dinner. I will try to write more later. I may not. The mood is not right. It may change.

Calm

I have my little Buddha to remind me to be calm and rational. I'm reminded to savor the moment, and not to live in a dreamscape of wishes and fantasy. I'm back at work, back to something I need to understand. Why am I here, doing this job? I think, perhaps, doing this job is simply teaching me what I should avoid.