Saturday, June 30, 2007

The Opposite of Tornado

The skies are grey this morning. I can tell by looking at the dew-crusted leaves and blades of grass that the humidity is very high and the temperature is rather high for an early morning. A quick look at WeatherUnderground.com confirms it; it's 75 degrees and the humidity stands at 89%. I'm still on my first cup of coffee and I know I'll have no interest in what's beyond the windows for a while. There's plenty to do inside and, as always, there are ideas to commit to paper. Whether I even get to jotting notes after this post remains to be seen.

I've taken a look at my 'things to do in 2007' list and I'm not feeling very confident:

  • Begin building a family compound
  • Encourage conversations about ways we can make significant differences in our communities
  • Become at least modestly proficient in conversational Spanish
  • Help create a sense of community in my neighborhood
  • Submit at least one piece of fiction for consideration for publication


The only things from the list I've spent any time doing are encouraging conversations about making a difference (not very successfully, I might add) and trying to create a sense of community in my neighborhood (also rather unsuccessful so far). Nothing yet on the family compound. I think my Spanish vocabularly has actually declined. And I've vacilated about whether I really want to try to publish anything...in my experience, I go back to what I've written (which I have liked) later and find myself viewing it as an amateurish piece of writing.

My mood today is not conducive to propelling myself toward accomplishing goals. I'll have to find another outlet for my minimal energy today. What's the opposite of tornado? That's my energy level.

Friday, June 29, 2007

When Right and Wrong Collide

Today was a sad day for me. It was the last day on my staff for a woman whose employment I terminated. Her termination was unusual, in that I did not have her leave the building the moment I fired her. Instead, I gave her a month between her notice and her departure, I agreed to pay her for another month beyond that, and I told most people her departure was her choice. The story was that she needed time to deal with her illness. The fact was that her performance was simply inadequate and very nearly cost me a client...and would have cost the client had she stayed. And the results, for her, would have been the same. But the result of losing the client likely would have been that additional jobs would have been lost, and my own income would have been reduced, and my business would have been in jeopardy.

I have gotten used to the fact that I had to fire her. I have not gotten used to the fact that my action could very well lead to her filing for bankruptcy. I have not gotten used to the fact that she is still battling cancer and that her disease seems to be insufficiently responsive to radiation and mild chemotherapy and that she has just begun a more aggressive, and more debilitating, form of intravenous chemotherapy.

The fact that I had to make my decision to fire her, when coupled with what I know she is going through, makes me wonder whether I've ever been suited to be a hard-nosed business owner. This truly sucks. I hate being responsible for making a decision that weighs my company's continuation against an individual's life. Even in my bravado, I am not strong enough for this.

When I'm in my 'business' mode, my metrics are all about performance. In that mode, I'm a demanding son-of-a-bitch; I don't tolerate anything less than 110% effort and I don't accept anything less than devotion to getting the job done.

When I'm in my human mode, my metrics are all about humanity. In that mode, people matter. In that mode, I feel shame about the way I think and behave when I'm in business mode.

Sometimes, I don't see an intersection between the two. They are parallel paths and one must choose between them. We humans get in trouble when we try to put our wheels on both tracks. We're pulled apart when the tracks diverge.

I'm glad I did not lose the client. I'm devastated that I may have ruined a former employee's life.

And it becomes clear that there are, indeed, circumstances in which the "right" thing depends on one's perspective. Situational ethics may be legitimate, though they are most certainly painful to someone, sometime. The right thing really isn't black or white; it's a mottled quilt of grey, black, white, and chaos. It's a formal statement that the right thing is always wrong from someone's perspective, and the wrong thing to do can be right, in certain circumstances.

It doesn't matter, though, does it? When right and wrong collide, it's just godawful painful.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Ped Time

June 28. My wife's birthday. Umpteenth day of rain and grey skies and humidity reaching toward triple digits. We needed the rain. Despite the flooding, I'm glad it has been raining. For her birthday, my wife wanted his and hers pedometers, first quality. Her wish is my command.

Tonight, it's off to a Mediterranean spot for dinner, Cafe Izmir, a place my wife has wanted to go for some time. I'm guessing we'll be sated with plates full of hummus, tabouli, babaganoush, falafel, ziziki, and other such delectable delights. Now, if I can just stick to those kinds of foods and put the pedometer to heavy use, I might eventually fit back into some rather nice clothes that, today, hang in my closet, looking forlorn.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A Really Happy Birthday

Rains continue to plague north Texas, swelling creeks, overflowing banks, and causing grief for people who don't understand the power and potential of massive flows of water. In Central Texas, in Austin, three teachers were killed a couple of nights ago after their SUV hydroplaned on a highway, smashing into a parked truck.

The storms moved north and caught the Dallas area and beyond in the clutches of wild and unpredictable weather. A teenager in Garland lost his life yesterday when he was swept into a torrent of water he could not fight. I've heard reports of cars being swept into creeks, homes being dislodged from their foundations, and roads turned into rivers. The weather is flexing nature's muscles, showing us what little power we truly have over our environment.

I love watching powerful storms, but I have a profound respect for their almost unimaginable capacity to restructure the earth and sky and the futures we all count on.

There's melancholy in the air around me tonight. Not sure why.

Tomorrow is my wonderful wife's birthday. I've never surprised her with a gift of staggering meaning, and I don't have one on hand for tomorrow. I must do that one day. I want to do that. I want to give her a surprise that will bowl her over, but in a good way.

Tomorrow, I celebrate the birth of the love of my life. My gifts may be pale, my expressions may be underwhelming, but beneath it all I celebrate. She doesn't read this blog much, so she'll probably miss this post. But the rest of you, small group though you are, now know that I'm in love with my wife. Still. After 27+ years. And I like that.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Interesting Day--Unintended Road Trip

Interesting day, today.

My bastard of a car got me safely to the airport this morning, without even a hint of the odor of burnt rubber. Maybe yesterday's overwhelming odor did not come from the bastard, after all?

Because I misjudged how long the TSA gestapo-in-training lines would be, I arrived at the gate with only moments to spare. I got comfortably seated on the plane, had an uneventful flight to Austin, and caught a cab to my meeting, paying only $30 for the ride, not the $50 I had feared. Three hours after the meeting began, it was over. A fellow board member was good enough to give me a ride to the airport in her rented Toyota Highlander.

My flight was set to leave at 3:15 pm, so I tried to get an earlier one, beginning with the 1:00 pm flight. I was advised to go standby at the gate, which I did. I did not make the 1:00 pm flight. I tried for the 2:40 flight.

Periodically the gate staff informed us of flight delays on the 2:40 flight and the 3:15 flight, caused by weather in the Dallas area. By 4:30, they called all passengers who had flight connections in Dallas to the podium where they said they would attempt to get them re-routed on other flights. At about 5:00 pm, they announced that the 2:40 and the 3:15 flights were cancelled. They advised that all remaining passengers would be put on a "priority standby" list for the two remaining flights to Dallas.

I announced to a group of people near me that I doubted we'd get out today, thanks to the ongoing Dallas weather, and suggested we could rent a car and get there faster. After some conversation, two other guys latched onto the idea and said they wanted to drive. And so we agreed that the three of us would rent a vehicle and drive to Dallas. We introduced ourselves to one another, went to the main ticket counters to have our return tickets refunded, and went looking for rental cars. After being rebuffed by several rental car agencies, Avis finally came through with a mini-van that could be rented one-way to Dallas. One of the other guys offered to rent the van; he also drove it all the way to Dallas. By the time we got half way, around Waco, the full force of the storms that had delayed and then cancelled our flights hit us. Torrential rain, water rushing across the roadway, and blinding flashes of lightening followed by the explosive percussive booms of thunder accompanied us for most of the rest of the trip to Dallas.

When we finally arrived at Love Field, the other non-driver insisted on paying for the full rental. I tried to give him money, I even insisted he take some, but he refused. He said he was simply grateful to have had our company on the trip. So, I thanked both of them and we all went our separate ways. I got a ride to my car, which was parked off-site in a parking facility nearby, jumped in, and drove home on the waterlogged, slick, light-absorbing streets. And here I am. Just 18 hours since I woke up this morning, I am ready to go to bed again.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Odor of Ancient Automobiles

If you read my only partially tongue-in-cheek post yesterday, you know that I'm still wrestling with transportation issues. By the end of yesterday's post, I had about decided to spend the money on repairing the old bastard and keeping it around. Hah! It must have been reading my blog...and it must not have liked the idea. It must have recoiled at the idea of being hard-driven by an angry geezer, a man who hurls insults on an aging car and threatens to thrust it into the jaws of an automotive shredder.

Today, as I was driving home from the office, an increasingly acrid odor of burning rubber filled my nostrils. I saw no smoke rising from my car, but I was caught behind some ancient old vehicles whose mufflers spewed nasty black soot, so, I assumed the odor was coming from my old bastard's nasty elders, themselves the progeny of a dangerous and fundamentally evil family of American cars.

My wife, upon entering the garage after I got home, immediately yelped at the odor. It was my car, it seems. I have yet to know what the problem is, but it's not a good sign. I have committed to being in Austin for a meeting tomorrow morning, so was planning on driving down, leaving the house at 5:00 am and returning just after lunch. The unknown cause of the burnt rubber odor has changed my mind. So, after spending $212 on an airline ticket, I am now committed to flying, then taking a $50 taxi ride or renting a car.

Wednesday, if I can, I will have the odor assessed if, that is, I can get the bastard to stay functional for tomorrow's trip to the airport and home again. I am not feeling much loyalty and love for the nameless bastard today. The shit!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Simple Transportation...Is Not Enough

I did it. I test drove a Honda CRV yesterday morning. It was a 2005 version with 41,000+ miles on it. I tried Carmax, but they were fresh out of Honda CRVs, so I visited the Honda dealer. Nice little vehicle, but after having driven my Toyota Avalon for ten years, the CRV seemed very cramped inside, especially the area for the driver's feet. So, that particular CRV was not for me because of the way in made my feet feel claustrophic...not to mention the fact that the Honda dealership wanted $22,000 for it. No thanks, I said. The young salesman then tried to convince me that the 2007 version with leather seats and all the bells and whistles I could ever want for $32,000+ was what I needed and would probably be better to my feet. No. But I poked my head into a Honda Element and liked what I saw, but probably not enough to buy one. Certainly not from the dealer. And I liked the Pilot, but I'm really wanting something that is roomy and gets good mileage and is stone-cold reliable. I may be dreaming.

OK, so I'm back to deciding whether I should spend $1,100 on my 10-year-old Avalon to get rid of the increasingly annoying, bone-jarring shudder caused by the broken motor mount and to repair the bad valves that are producing the rough idle and decreasing gas mileage. The other options are to keep the car as is, which is becoming increasingly less likely (I tend to scream loudly at the car's shuddering tremors every time I come to a stop at stoplights and stop signs, which is doing my psyche no good and is downright terrifying to the people who pull up next to me), or to replace the beast with another car.

I've tried to adopt my father's attitude about cars: "It's just transportation, son." My dad regularly made that comment when one of my brothers, the one five years older than I, tried to convince him that my dad's next car should have a spoiler on the trunk or should have special paint or should have a souped-up engine. Dad looked at cars a basic transportation. He definitely wanted some creature comforts, like air conditioning in the Texas heat, but the bells and whistles did not seem to matter to him. I've tried to embrace that. On occasion, I must admit I have failed miserably.

OK. I admit it. I'm not like my dad with respect to transportation. In fact, I may be the antithesis of my dad in some respects, when it comes to cars. Let me explain.

I like leather upholstery in a car, preferably self-cleaning seats that automatically self-treat the leather at regular intervals. I like high-end stereo systems and would like them even more if they came with a mechanism to automatically retrieve and store music that I might possibly enjoy from all new music from all parts of the earth. I believe I would love dual-climate controls because they would make my wife happier. In fact, I'd like a climate control system that would enable me to select, on a sliding scale, everything from howling, sub-zero temperature blizzard on one end of the spectrum to baking, steel-melting heat at the other...and I want to be able to precisely put these microclimates anywhere I wish in the car, at the same time.

Sitting higher than people arouned me appeals to me. I also like the idea of having an eardrum-breaking-capable horn that can be aimed at undesirable drivers with whom I come in to proximity. The availability of raw power that enables me to roar away from a stop at breakneck speed has its appeal. A top speed of 275 would be reasonable.

Ideally, my car will be absolutely dead quite inside, will have phenomenal road-feel in the steering, and will have a moon roof, sun roof, 1000 cup holders, heated and cooled seats, power windows, power door locks, power trunk lock, automatic self-parking and a self-cleaning exterior, an an auto-shampooing carpet inside. I want to be able to transport 4x8 sheets of plywood, 14-foot pieces of lumber, and 7 passengers comfortably, but I require a vehicle small enough that I can easily park it in a very small garage and that is highly maneuverable in heavy traffic. Something the size of a Toyota Echo on the outside and a Hummer limousine on the inside would just about fit the bill.

My expectation is that my vehicle will get at least 170 miles per gallon of gas...when it requires gas, which should be seldom. My vehicle should be able to use greenhouse gases for power, turning them into...nothing. The ideal car, for me, will be made entirely of recycled materials and half of the less-than-twenty-thousand-dollar pricetag will be used to feed, clothe, shelter, and teach the poor and downtrodden of the world. Naturally, I will expect the price of gas to quadruple, which I support, but demand will plummet, which I also support.

OK, now that I have decided what kind of car I want, I guess it's just a matter of going out and negotiating the best price. If I can't find a price I can live with, in a car that possesses all my non-negotiable characteristics, I may be forced to repair the Avalon.

Carnes y Verduras y Frutas y Quesos y Mas

The grocery stores in the Dallas/Fort Worth area that cater primarily to Mexican and other Hispanic customers are more colorful and have more variety than do stores that cater to middle America. There are several such stores throughout this part of north Texas, but the two largest chains (I think) are Fiesta (a standalone brand with a presence only in Houston, the Dallas area, and Austin) and Carnival (a brand of Minyards, whose stores are all concentrated in the Dallas/Fort Worth area area).

When entering either of these stores, one is immediately struck with how much they seem like the street markets in Mexico. Frequently, there are mini-taquerias at the entryways, where all sorts of freshly-made tacos are sold, tacos that one very likely won't find at Taco Bell (I haven't been to a Taco Bell in many years, so I may be wrong, but I think I'm probably not). For example, tacos de lengua (beef tongue), tacos de barbacoa (meat from the head of a cow), tacos al pastor (marinated, slow-cooked pork), and tacos de buche (rather new to me...diced cooked beef stomach) are among the offerings.

In addition to the taquerias, some of these stores have spaces near the front that, I assume, are rented to vendors ranging from cell-phone providers to international telephone card suppliers to people selling boom-boxes and leather goods. Spanish is the language of choice in these places and, in fact, many of the people who frequent these stores and work in them know little or no English.

These stores, and the "street markets" they have fostered around them, have become safe-havens for people who have come to this country looking for opportunities and who have found themselves in the midst of a culture that is complete foreign to them. I imagine going to the grocery store, where there are hundreds and hundreds of others like you who have yet to adopt the language and customs of your new (or perhaps temporary) homeland, can be an enormous stress-reliever. There, among the vendors and the familiar smells and colors and textures of the carnicerias and panaderias, and tortillarias, one can feel at home again.

When I go to these grocery stores and wander through the markets, I'm especially interested in the pescaderias (seafood), carnicerias (meat markets), and the incredible variety of cheeses and fruits and vegetables. I've noticed that seafood, especially, is dramatically cheaper in these places than the typical American-style grocery stores we visit. For example, yesterday we saw very large heads-on Gulf shrimp for $3.99 per pound at a Fiesta market; the same thing at an upscale place nearby goes for up to $15 per pound. Seriously! And what really gets me is the fact that the price differential can make some people think that the cheaper shrimp (or meat or cheese or whatever) is probably not as fresh or is somehow 'unclean' compared to the more expensive stuff nearer to us. Grocery merchants are becoming mor adept at convincing us that higher price equals higher quality, even when higher price is based purely on what the market will bear.

Back to what I find enthralling. The seafood in the pescaderias looks so inviting. Red snapper, tilapia, salmon (somewhat rare in these markets, for some reason), oysters, clams, octopus, calamari, shrimp, catfish...the markets are large and loaded with seafood. Much of the stuff on display has been frozen (and remains so), but occasionally there will be very, very fresh fish (alive, in tanks) available.

The carnicerias have an abundance of cuts of meat that are very different from the typical market I visit nearer to my home. The meat looks redder, fresher, and generally less fatty/marbled than what I'm used to. The typical cuts like sirloin steaks, rib-eye, etc. are there, but there are other cuts whose names I can't recall (frequently, they are presented in Spanish) that look interesting and, I'm sure, with the right recipes, would be out of this world. These markets have offerings that are very, very rarely found in the places that cater to middle-class Americans. During our foray into Fiesta yesterday, we found beef liver, beef heart, beef kidney, lamb kidney, tripe, pig's feet, cow head, and various other things that I would rarely, if ever, find in Tom Thumb stores.

Even the fruits and vegetables are offered in greater variety and at lower prices than at the stores we regularly visit. Calabacitas, a type of Mexican squash, was 30 cents per pound cheaper than yellow squash or zuccini. Another squash, rarely found in nearby stores, called chayote was even less expensive and was available in enormous abundance at Fiesta. The display of peppers of all kinds is always impressive to me, but I'm especially impressed when I see what must be hundreds of pounds of jalapeños piled high on the end of a row of vegetables. Frequently, I see people buy what must be four or five pounds at once and I wonder what they are doing with that much raw jalapeño? I typically buy only 3-4 peppers at a time. Tomatillos, a tomato-like fruit that is green and surrounded by a husk, are always available in abundance at Hispanic markets. Tomatillos are the principal ingredient in many green sauces used in Mexican dishes; they add the tartness and texture that makes so many green sauces so wonderfully flavorful. Even tomatoes tend to be considerably less expensive at Hispanic markets than at the places we tend to shop out of convenience. Ninety-nine cents a pound for tomatoes at Fiesta will probably be matched by $2.49 per pound at Tom Thumb and, at the more upscale Central Market, $3.49 per pound.

I should have taken my camera into the store yesterday. Seeing is so much more impressive than simply reading about these places. Of course, had I taken my camera in, I would probably have been taken down by guys who assumed I was capturing people in criminal acts. Despite my belief that most of the people who make these markets what they are...the people for whom the markets are sanctuaries and places of the familiar...I know that, just like any migration, some bad apples find their way in. There are Hispanic gangs in Hispanic neighborhoods, along with plain bad people who would just as soon shoot you as look at you. That, though, is not much different from any high-income north Texas high school.

Up and Down

I got some happy and some unhappy news yesterday from my sister-in-law. The happy news is that her daughter, who has suffered from hepatitis C for a long while, has been found to have rid her body completely of the antibodies that enable the disease to attack the kidneys and liver. This, apparently, is something that happens only with women; the biochemistry of men does not permit such self-healing. Needless to say, my brother, my sister-in-law, everyone, is ecstatic.

The unhappy news came from the same source, my sister-in-law. She just got the results of an MRI which revealed areas of her heart that are not getting adequate blood flow. So, a cardiac catherization is planned for next week, the results of which will be, on the least invasive end of the spectrum, placing her on heart medication or installing a stent or, at the most invasive, undergoing a heart bypass operation. I underwent a double bypass a few years ago; it was no picnic, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. My chief recollection from the time I got word that something was wrong with my heart, through the surgery and the recovery period afterward in the cardiac ICU involves some rather strange hallucinations. Naturally, I hope my sister-in-law does not have to undergo a bypass, but knowing something about the procedure from a personal perspective, I know it's very commonplace and cardiac surgeons are exceptionally well-trained.

OK, enough up and down news. I'm ready for some boredom.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Wall

Our homeowners association, of which I am now secretary (or "scribe" as some would call it), held its annual meeting the other night. Generally, these meetings are fairly laid-back affairs where a few neighbors gather to share information and insights and commit to work to make our little community more liveable.

But this meeting was a little contentious because the board asked for input from the 38 homeowners there (out of 264 in the subdivision) about how to deal with a concrete wall on both sides of a large boulevard that bisects the subdivision. The wall is leaning badly in certain areas, thanks to the fact that the developers of the area 30 years ago did not put in footings. The association spent about $15,000 a few years ago (much of it from voluntary assessments) to repair a portion of the wall that was in the worst shape. Now, the remainder is in need of attention. And we most definitely do not have the $25,000 or more that would be required to repair the wall (we have roughly $7,000 in the bank, thanks to the fact that dues are voluntary and only $50 per year and, each year, only about half the residents choose to pay).

When the topic of "the wall" came up, one resident, who has lived in the subdivision since its inception, turned into a screeching lunatic. Rather than allow any discussion, she launched into a diatribe that I can describe only as an almost violent attack on the board, throwing accusations that the board had spent almost one hundred thousand dollars in the past five years on patching a part of a wall, despite having promised that the entire wall could have been repaired for $30,000. Where she got the numbers, no one knows, but she was literally screaming at the top of her lungs that the board was absolutely incompetent and was guilty, at minimum, of mismanagement.

Having seen the financial records of the subdivision and knowing full-well that nothing like that much money was ever collected, much less spent, I immediately concluded the woman was suffering from some kind of mental illness. Still, she needed to be silenced to permit the meeting to continue. After one particularly lengthy rant during which she howled, accusatorily, "you people need to look at what the options are and then take the right steps instead of throwing our money at the problem," I jumped in. I said "have you ever volunteered to be a part of the solution instead of interrupting a meeting by screeching out your complaints?" She looked at me as if I had thrust a knife in her heart, but then comments from others drew her attention.

It wasn't long before everyone knew the problem would not find a solution, nor even a direction, at the meeting, so discussion was delayed so we could go on to other things.

After that little episode, I'm not quite certain my willingness to "serve my community" will be as rewarding as I had hoped. However, never one to be stopped by impossible odds, I've committed to looking into the options myself. I'm planning on looking at options that others may have overlooked, including tearing down the offending wall and replacing it with fast-growing plants. The wall truly is, in my opinion, an eyesore. Even it were not leaning and even it were painted, it would be ugly. Severely ugly. Ugly enough to make me dislike looking at it. So, tearing it down should be a good option. Except some people don't want it to come down. They see it as an important barrier between the alleys that run behind their homes and gives them access to their garages and the broad street beyond. I can see their point, but I think there are better options. The question, ultimately, is whether any options are affordable without a voluntary assessment, which simply won't collect enough money to truly correct the problem.

I'm accepting donations.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Interview with an Idiot

Yesterday, I found myself driving to Forth Worth before lunchtime, seeking out the local offices of a national television network affiliate. I had been invited there to be interviewed by a reporter, not for our local channel, but for a channel in a large city in Central Texas. The Central Texas station had wanted a representative of an association client to be interviewed locally. Try as we might (actually, it was our PR agency that tried hard, with a bit of help from me), we could not find a member who was willing or had the time to visit the Central Texas affiliate for an interview. So, our PR firm put it this way to me: either we can ignore the opportunity, or we can try to accommodate them. So, the accommodation was to offer me up to be interviewed locally and have the tape sent south. And so it was.

I was unfamiliar with the local station's location and had, in fact, assumed it was based in Dallas. Not so, I learned, and thus I found myself driving to Fort Worth. It was easy to find, thanks to Google Maps directions. I was there a good 45 minutes before the appointed hour, but I decided to go inside, anyway. That was a good decision, because they were ready for me much earlier than the 12:00 noon shooting schedule I had been looking forward to.

It was an interview without pretention. I was escorted into a room off of a wide hallway. The room looked very much like it had been, or perhaps still was, someone's office. The cameraman introduced himself, invited me to sit, and placed a clip-on microphone on the lapel of my jacket. After adjusting the lighting, he announced all was ready and told his colleague, who was to interview me, "tape's rolling."

My interviewer was a very pleasant young guy. He got right to it. Very simple questions, very innocuous, and completely unthreatening. You have to know that I've been on live or recorded camera a very few times before and, try as I might, I cannot control my nervousness, at least not as well as I'd like. Anyway, the guy helped by being so completely unthreatening. In very short order, we were done.

I have no idea how it came out, really, but I have a sense of dread that I cannot shake. I think I will look like an idiot. Oh well, that's the way it goes.

I'm not sure my client has the same attitude; the comment on media coverage can can make or break them, so it's importand that their media reps look good, sound good, and paints them as a needy but remarkably well-polishd media resource.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Fresh Limes and Lawyers

In my experience, Republican lawyers from Washington, DC generally do not share my attitudes about anything...politics, economics, society, race, religion, cars, food preferences, cologne, razor blades, pets, vacations...you name it, we'll disagree. On rare ocassion, though, I'm surprised, as I was today.

An attorney who is on retainer to one of my client associations returned my call this afternoon. We chatted about my question, which dealt with a pretty mundane issue of interest and relevance only to the specific client. After we covered that matter, he seemed to be in the mood to chat generally. Since his fees do not vary based on the time he spends (within reason), I was game. I've chatted with him before and found that I enjoyed our conversations.

He inquired about whether I have plans to drive to Mexico this summer. Last year, about this time, during one of our chats, I told him I hoped to drive with a brother to Mexico. I explained that it was a possibility, but nothing had been solidified.

Our conversation about driving in Mexico continued and evolved. Before long, we were talking about taking a bus from the border to towns deep in Mexico, something I have not done but a brother has. The attorney expressed an interest in doing something like that...i.e., taking a bus from a border town to a city deep in the interior or southern sector. He talked longingly about Jack Keroauac and said he related well to Keroauac's tales of travel on the road.

This guy, this attorney, strikes me as a deeply conservative guy, both politically and socially. So, it was a surprise to hear him talk about life on the road. Further conversation revealed that he was not really looking to adopt that lifestyle, but really wished he could experience something like a Mexican bus trip. I invited him to come along if I chose to do something like that, but he said his wife and kids would have something to say about him leaving them for a wierd road trip.

I'm not making my plans, of course, but after talking to him today, the idea of a Mexican bus adventure appeals to me. The attorney isn't going to make the trip, but I might. I'm fundamentally a 'fraidy cat' so I might have to wait awhile, but I do want to make the trip. And maybe I'm too creaky and squeeky and have bones that are too achy to do it the way I envision. I may have to take a luxury coach, complete with stewards who serve snacks and drinks and offer me hot wash-cloths and offer movie options on the personal DVD player.

Yess, today was another odd day. Yes, it was. I spoke to the publisher of Venues Today, a publication that replaced another that died a few years ago after the death of its cousin, a tabloid that had been around for 100 years and then some.

The publisher and the lawyer. The three of us should wade into Mexico on a bus, carrying with us a few bottles of fine tequila and fresh limes.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Jury...Go Directly to Jury

I received a notice from the City of Dallas Department of Court and Detention Services the other day. It came as a surprise, since I don't recall being in court recently, nor have I been detained, at least not while I was coherent and sober.

I opened the envelope to reveal a petit jury summons, calling on me to appear on July 11 at 9:30 am. As an act of generosity and compassion, the sender also included with my summons a "juror bus/train day pass" that is good for unlimited rids on all DART (Dallas Area Rapid Transit) buses and trains on the day I am supposed to appear.

"This may be my chance!" I thought as I read the summons, before coming to my senses and realizing that a call to serve on a petit jury would probably not put me in a position to order the arrest, imprisonment, and euthanasia-once-removed of George Bush.

So, I shall ride the DART train to downtown Dallas on July 11, hoping beyond hope tha I will be selected to serve on the jury for a lengthy, deadly dull, capital jaywalking case. The last time I had to appear as a potential candidate to serve on a petit jury was November 2005. That, too, was dull. I was not selected. In fact, I was not even interviewed for a spot, a fact I believe was related to the fact that I was (and remain, to this day), a middle-aged white guy who can afford to be off work for a day or two. The people they seemed to select, during my time in the box, appeared to have (and some said as much) little opportunity to keep their jobs if they had to be away long. So, the cretons who stack the decks were happy to do their best to get a perfect score: "Everyone in my jury pool was fired for skipping too much work!" Actually, that probably didn't happen. But I'm seriously skeptical of the reasons those poor folks were given for staying on well after I was released on my own recognizance.

A new staff member started work today. I took her to lunch. I hope, I really hope, she will work out well. If not, I may have to perform an auto-lobotomy.

Let's see, beyond that, everything seems to be falling apart just fine.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Different Memories of the Same Experience

On this Father's Day, I wondered what my father's life was like. He and my mother had six kids, many of whom were ushered into this world a bit late in my parents' lives. I was the youngest; my father was 50 when I was born, my mother was 45. Obviously, their ages and their experience rearing children for many years before I was born had a big impact on the way they looked at me. And, I've come to conclude, everyone in my family had a unique perspective on what their lives were really like. And for each of us, our perspectives and our realities were very, very different.

My two oldest brothers and my oldest sister must have had an utterly different perspective on life than did the other three of us. Their very young lives must have been tied up very tightly with a relatively small family. When they think back on their early years, their memories don't include the other three of us. Their early years represented lives that have absolutely no meaning to the rest of us, especially to me. I know nothing of what it was like to be a part of my family when there were just three kids and my parents. I can't even begin to understand what that life was like. Nor, I suspect, can my other sister and my other brother. We weren't there. We were not even on the horizon, not in my family's experiences. We were the unknown, unexpected, unexperienced future.

My youngest sister and my brother who is only five years older than I still had a pretty large family for a good portion of their formative years. They had a mother and a father and two older brothers and an older sister. They were a family of seven.

I never thought much about how my perspective was so utterly different from my siblings' until recently. I don't know what made me start to think about it; I guess it seemed strange to hear them talk about their childhoods and those childhoods seemed very different from mine. By the time I was truly aware of what was going on in my life, with my family, my oldest brother had left home for college and his younger brother wasn't far behind. Both of my sisters were part of my youngest years, but not for many years. My clearest memories of growing up involve only my youngest brother, the one who's five years older than I. The other siblings were in and out of my life for several years, but they were not in my life day in and day out. They had already moved into their teen years or beyong, developing their own relationships and their own versions of families outside the nuclear sphere.

So, how do my siblings' lives differ from mine? They grew up in a very large family...or, I should say, they evolved from childhood to adulthood during the evolution of my family from being a small family to being a much larger family. I grew up in a shrinking family. It started large, but shrunk quickly as brothers and sisters left for college or otherwise moved out of the nuclear unit. My youngest brother and I were the remnants of a family that had already begun to disintegrate before we ever had the chance to understand what a "big" family was. But our similarities in terms of familial experience did not translate into other similarities. He was uninterested in school, in academics, and he was unfocused. I found school exciting and appealing, at least until my early high school years. Something happened to make it less appealing during those latter years, but I kept at it. My brother discarded it, understanding more deeply than I did that academic education is valuable only for those who acquire its astute cousin, social skills.

Social skills didn't get taught to the two youngest in my family, at least social skills were not given the attention that they deserved. By the time my brother and I were ready to learn them, my parents had tired of teaching them and they assumed, I must think in retrospect, that their other children would pass those skills along to their siblings. I'm sure they would have, but the siblings were off in pursuit of their own lives. I don't think it occurred to my parents that the skills they taught their older children might skip a generation because, in essence, my parents did. They had their youngest children so late in life that much of what they took care to teach to their younger children simply was forgotten, or was left to my elder sisters and brothers without those siblings being informed that they were expected to assume the responsibility for knowledge transfer to their youngest siblings.

All of this isn't particularly meaningfull except, perhaps, to suggest to parents that the responsibilities of parenthood require attention even late in life, if one chooses to rear children after mid-life. Rearing three or four children can, I am sure, cause one to focus less attention on the specifics of what should be taught to the ones coming later. My parents certainly never intentionally failed to pass on ideas or knowledge or 'truth' to me, but after five others, five others who commanded their attention well into my own late childhood years, they can be forgiven if they didn't teach me the ABCs and the social graces with the fervor they had with their youngest.

But the point of all this was perspective. My brothers and sisters lived in the same house with their younger siblings and they watched those younger siblings grow into at least moderately aware humans. The younger of us, though, lived most of our formative lives in a small family, with few opportunities to learn from our older siblings; they were already gone away. My childhood remembrances are of a small family, my parents and my bother and me, with periodic visits by other siblings. My perspective on life is different because of that.

I remember my parents, at least in my earliest years of memory, as loving parents, but there was something else about them I remember. They were tired. There were tired of children, of the demands of children, of the energy that children demand of those around them. They had already given more than parents should ever be expected to give, yet they kept trying. But by then, the energy of youth and the idealism of inexperience had begun to diminish. So my life was very different from my bothers' and sisters' lives. I had different parents. I had different experiences. My parents had different children. They had different experiences.

It's almost as if we grew up in different families, sharing only the time and the people we all knew as family.

I miss my father. Still, to this day, I miss my father. And I miss my mother, as well. I wonder if I remember my family the was it was. Or is.

Happy Fathers' Day.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf...WOW!

I was not expecting to be so impressed with Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf. After all, this was presented by a small theater. I've always been impressed with the Water Tower Theater, but tonight's presentation was over the top good. All four characters were superb. The actors who played George and Martha were, in my opinion, deeper and richer and just better than Richard and Liz in the film version. Wow! I never dreamed a 3-hour play with two short intermissions could be so riveting.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Who's Afraid of Deep Familial Disfunction?

My wife and I decided we needed a bit of cheering up, so we're off to see Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf in a while, at the Watertower Theater in Addison. I figure that, once we go listen to George and Martha and Nick and Honey, the minor problems we face, like potentially catastrophic client loss and subsequent bankruptcy, just won't seem so overwhelming. Actually, we have season tickets, so this is an obligatory visit to see the play.

I don't know, though, I'm not sure seeing the play in our small theater will be the same as seeing Albee's characters portrayed on the wide screen by the likes of Richard Burton, the perfect George.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Photo Stop

I promised I'd post a photo of the metal saguaro sculpture, so here it is. Thanks to my attrociously bad photography skills, it looks unattractive here. That is not the reality of it...it's actually quite nice!




I did not promise to post another photo of a lizard from my garden, but I didn't say I wouldn't, either, so here is a lizard in "green mode."

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Leprechauns in the Morning Mist

Tonight, as I was viewing some of the blogs I visit regularly, I realized that something's been missing....I've not been reading books lately! It's not because I've forgotten how to read. It's not because I no longer like books. It's not because I do not recall how to turn pages. It's not because I've read all the books that are worth reading. Why is it?

It's because my #@**!ing eyesight is so #@**!ing bad! I broke my best pair of glasses several weeks ago and have been reduced to wearing the gnarled old pair that almost blinded me a couple of years ago, thanks to the fact that their prescription is so bad. I've had precious little time to visit the ophthalmologist to get a new prescription, so I've been struggling, just getting by. I can see well enough to drive...my vision in the vehicle is perfectly fine. But I have to take off my glasses, shut one eye, and bring the book up very, very close to my open eye to read. It's more trouble than it's worth. Almost.

A new vow: Next week, I shall make an appointment to have my eyes examined, select a new and obscenely expensive set of frames (or...maybe I will get contacts for the first time in my life!), and wait until the miracles of modern technology arrive to enable me to function again.

In the interim, I'm going to use the fuzziness of my vision to try to see leprechauns in the morning mist as I go outdoors to assess the value of the day. I've always thought I could see things hidden from the rest of the world by simply removing my glasses, opening my mind, and allowing my imagination to turn the shapeless blurs that my eyes send to my brain into something magical and remarkable. I still view clouds that way. They twist and turn and become images that others cannot seem to see. But I see those odd shapes and they become alive. All this makes me want to find a soft, grassy hill and lay down, face to the sky, and let my imagination run away with me.

This appears to be turning into stream of consciousness blogging. I've not taken mind-altering drugs today. I promise.

Active Thoughts

I'm trying not to let my work engulf me, but it's hard. Being short-staffed, but having no paucity of client expectations, is demanding. I'm trying to balance, though.

I got home reasonably early today and, after a few chores, decided to fulfill my promise to take pictures of the metallic saguaro cactus that now resides in our yard. Damn camera's batteries had died!

I'm sitting here, waiting for a battery recharge, hoping the light isn't gone by the time the camera has enough juice to take a picture or two. Tomorrow, another set of interviews, a swirl of activity to fulfill client expectations that were not being met until recently, another series of calls to get another client in the groove, and a few conversations with people with whom I share nothing in common.

I have been looking at Honda CRVs and Honda Elements an Toyota Previas, online. Used, of course. And then I consider that the old bastard I'm driving could, with only $1100, last for another 152,000 miles. What to do, oh what to do? I'll keep on mulling it over.

I've started looking more closely at resumes of people who want part-time work. My friend Bev suggested using seasoned people who are no longer willing to work full-time, but who could be valuable assets in groups of two or three. This is a very good idea. I'm pursuing this as a potential breakthrough answer to my dilemma.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Cars and Politics

So, aging cars are signs of the frugality and good sense of their owners, are they? They're also signs that their aging owners look amazingly like targets to money-hungry mechanics. I took the old bastard (my 1997 Avalon) in today to have the mechanics determine why the rough idle and bone-jarring vibration at idle. After a $95 assessment, the verdict: it needs new motor mounts (causing the vibration) and some new valves of some kinds (causing the rough idle), to the tune of $1100.

I opted to live with the shakes and the rough idle, at least temporarily. According to Kelly Blue Book, $1100 is about 1/4 the value of the old bastard (I'm no longer considering a name for the beast...a term of endearment is no longer in order). I'll continue to drive it for a while longer as I decide whether to simply live with the offensive behaviors, replace the beast, or check around until I get a repair price I think is reasonable. Despite the steepness of the repair costs, I have to remind myself that car payments would quickly outstrip the cost of repairs...unless the old bastard keeps at its lightly-veiled attempts to prompt me to euthanize it first.

In other news, my two attempts to hire staff members in as many days have failed miserably. Two job offers were refused; others had beat me to the punch with better offers, I gather. If I offer any more money to these people, I'll be paying them more than I pay myself (which is far too little, I acknowledge). Maybe I'll just have to bring myself to do that. If anyone who reads this blog would like to buy a service business, let me know, right away.

Pentultimately, I've agreed to serve on the board of directors of our homeowners association (if elected...which is likely, since no one else has been willing to be tapped to serve). I have lots of ideas about ways in which we can generate more revenues which, in turn, can be used to improve our little community and, ultimately, protect and possibly even enhance our homes' values. Living in this neighborhood, though, in the midst of deep, deep, republicanism, makes me wonder if my service on the board might result in vigilante justice by those who don't like the yard-signs for liberal candidates. "High profile" people have to be careful, you know...after all, homeowner association board membership is one of the most dangerous avocations.

Finally, today is my Falba-based brother's birthday. Happy Birthday, bro!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Stepping Off of Soapboxes

A friend of mine...an acquaintance, really...periodically publishes blog posts that I find provocative. They make me think and often I change the way I perceive an issue as a result of reading them. Sometimes, they simply make me realize that even his posts that have the occasional maudlin message can be powerful. Here are a few I recommend you read:

So, Just How Happy Are You?

This first piece is one of those that tug at one's heart strings, but carries an important message, especially for someone like me, who tends to be quite judgmental. I have empathy, sometimes deep empathy, for people, but too often I let that slide deep into my subconscious. What I let surface is acidic vitriol aimed at people who I treat not as real people, but as unthinking, unfeeling objects. Not a good thing. Jim's message has the proper target in me.



Gasoline is Too Cheap: A Contrarian's View

This message is based on a view to which I subscribe completely. Gas is too cheap. Despite the unreasonable profits taken by the oil companies, we consumers are getting away cheap, and we shouldn't. With all our talk of needing to minimize our own carbon footprint, most of us are very bad at it. Our behavior suggests that the only way to control our thirst for gasoline is to pay through the nose. I think we should. It seems we must be forced (many of us) to find alternative means of transportation or to plan our travels to conserve fuel. Look at me: yesterday, I went on a 150 mile aimless drive that was unnecessary, except to my psyche. I could have found better, less polluting ways to cope with my stress. Make me pay $7 per gallon for gas and I might begin to practice what I preach.



Outrageous Trump Speech: The Dangerous Precedent of Don Imus

This one may earn me the wrath of some readers, but so be it. I was right there with the other lemmings who considered Don Imus an evil bastard for stepping in it with his untoward comments about a woman's basketball team and some of its young African American women players. But, on reflection, we should all have simply done what Karger suggests...if we found it offensive, vote with our fingers. I personally never watched the guy and found his show to lack entertainment value and to be silly and useless. But I do believe strongly in allowing freedom of speech, even for geezers who make remarkably stupid statements. Let them boil in their own juices...but it's not my business nor my responsibility nor my right to do the cooking. I'm ashamed of myself for having failed to behave as a true progressive would...not to call for his head, not to demand his firing, but to simply condemn what he said and defend his right to say it.



Like many blogges of both liberal and conservative stripes, when talking politics (among other things) I tend to gravitate toward what I assume to be a liberal message, even though a serious assessment would reveal that the message is neither liberal nor conservative. I find that upsetting in myself and even more so in bloggers that have a true following.

It's my argument that, rather than aligning ourselves with a liberal perspective or a conservative perspective, we align ourelves with a thinking perspective, a perspective that requires us to rely on real logic, rather than the logic of political message-mongering.

And I believe in stepping off of soapboxes regularly.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Cactus and Leather

My wife and I are the proud owners of a swath of broad (in width), but thin (in thickness) ribbons of rusted metal transformed, through extraordinary creativity and raw skill, into a brown metallic rendition of a saguaro cactus. It's about four feet tall and looks wonderful against our back fence, near the two forlorn windows that I've nailed to the fence. We envision a funky little gathering place at the back fence one day, a place where we can sit in the early evening, listening to crickets, watching clouds, and sipping a cool beverage, all the while soaking in the mood of a favorite outdoor bar. At the rate I'm going, it wil be complete in 2066.

The sculpture was created by a Mexican man who has horribly bad teeth and whose English skills are only slightly better than my Spanish skills. He appears to me to be in his early to mid forties, but he could be younger. I tend to overestimate age in others and underestimate it in myself.

We bought the piece from the man, who was exhibiting his work at a large but very poorly attended outdoor flea market on the outskirts of a small town north of Fort Worth. The flea market was poorly attended not only by the public, but by artists and other merchants. Most of the "booths" were tired and empty. It was, all in all, a very sorry-looking collection of people selling old tires, broken garden implements, used furniture, gadgets of all kinds, and assorted paraphenalia whose useful lives had ended years if not decades earlier. The Mexican man was one of a very small group selling art. He told me, in very broken English intermixed with Spanish, that he would not be back next weekend, but would be back the following week; his wife is having a birthday next week and he cannot be away.

I wish I'd had my camera with me today. I would have taken pictures at the place, especially a group of gray-haired old men, all of whom looked like ranchers/farmers, who were sitting and chatting near the entrance to the place, underneath a covered porch. I think there were 4-5 of them, all wearing well-worn straw cowboy hats and very, very faded denim. I say the hats were well-worn because they were stained just above the brim, all the way around, evidence that they had spent many hours being sweat-soaked in a dustry environment. One of the men was clothed in a severely-worn pair of denim overalls. The faces of the old men betrayed their work histories more so than did their attire. The leathery sun-browned skin on their faces wore deep creases, evidence of squinting for hours on end during long years in the sun. I suppose one of them is the spouse of the gray-haired woman who we saw wheeling about on an ancient golf cart and who said, when I asked whether she was the one in charge, "no, I just own the place."

I am sure can take a decent photo of the metallic saguaro and, one day before long, will post it here.

All of this, and much more, happened after we went seeking, and found, our breakfast migas. We went exploring places we'd not been before, including a brief visit to Eagle Mountain Lake, where we had lunch at a colorful little restaurant and bar (that, like the old men and their attire, showed signs of a long, hard life) located next to a busy boat ramp and adjacent to some docks. The patrons were a slice of life cross-section of society. The clientele included aging bikers, wearing their chains and tatoos and baring their missing teeth; young couples trying to make conversation but experiencing awkward silences as they struggled for something to say; scantily-clad post-teen girls giggling as they ran dripping to the ladies' room; uptight middle-aged couples who obviously felt very uncomfortable with the clientele; waitresses who showed signs of lives lived too fast and with too little regard for consequences; and young families herding their small children into the place and who seemed, adults and children alike, utterly oblivious to the denizens of the seedy-looking little place.

I have lots of memories from today that may, one day, find their way into my writing. Most of that, though, won't be here. I'm still planning on a book. One day, a book, a cohesive set of ideas and story lines, many of which will have made very brief appearances here, will emerge from this twisted mind of mine. But who will publish it? Who, indeed. There's time to worry about that later. For now, I will settle onto a sofa and relax.

My Brother's Trip to Ireland & England

I snagged the embedded presentation below from one of several blogs that one of my brothers occasionally posts to. The photos that appear below apparently are from some recent wanderings he and his wife undertook in Ireland and England.

Bigote's

It's just shy of six o'clock in the morning and it's light enough outside to see colors, which to me means it's daylight. Well, it is, almost. And it's hot, almost. The handy little weather graphic that resides on the home page of my browser tells me it's 78 degrees. This is better than last year at this time, when it was about 88 degrees. But, it's still steamy and I'm not crazy about it, but I can live with it.

My wife suggested last night that we arise at a reasonable hour today (I always do...she tends to like to sleep in on weekends) and drive to our favorite place for migas, Bigote's. Migas consists of eggs scrambled and sauteed with strips of corn tortillas, diced onions, diced jalapeños, diced fresh tomatoes, and cheese, along with various spices (chile powder, cumin, etc.) and condiments (e.g. salsa or pico de gallo). Generally, they are served with refried beans and warm corn tortillas, the latter of which may serve as the migas-delivery-vehicle. Bigote's has long been our favorite place for migas. We first ate there about 1991, before we were wont to venture into such little joints in highly-ethnic areas. I think the experience with Bigote's may have convinced us that trying out little places where we were apt to be in the minority was a good thing. Anyway, my wife suggested it. I think she's being especially good to me because of the lousy couple of days I've had. So, when she awakens, we will begin getting ready.

After breakfast, we'll probably nose around Arlington to see what has changed since our last trip there. Even though it's only about 30 miles away (maybe less), we rarely get there anymore. When we lived in Arlington, we rarely got to north Dallas. They are worlds apart. There are some interesting Asian markets in Arlington, where all the ingredients for Vietnamese, Laotian, Chinese, Thai, and other Asian cuisines are readily available. I like wandering the food markets, though most of the fresh vegetables and seafoods are completely foreign to me. Even though I eat at ethnic restaurants, I haven't a clue in many cases what the ingredients look like before they are put into the dishes. Or, maybe I do, but I just haven't equated what I have seen with what I have eaten.

I'm not much into blogging right now. Maybe later, after I've seen what the world outside my window offers.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Flashes

It's not uncommon for me to have flashes of thought that I want to record for one reason or another. Usually, it's because, in the instant, I think the words or ideas that race through my mind are sufficiently clever or interesting or unusual that they might one day find their way into a book I'll one day publish. Sometimes, of course, I look at the ideas later and wonder what on earth could have been wrong with me...how could I possibly have found anything meritorious about what I recorded?

Well, I'm going to record something that flashed through my mind today and will come back to one day. Then, I'll decide whether there was even the most remote glimmer of potential in the idea.

By the way, today is my sister's birthday. Happy Birthday, Libba!

--------------------------

SNIPPET #1
Jacob was a troubled and troublesome teen. During his early teenage years, he lived to create grief for his parents and their adult friends. Jacob spent virtually every waking hour plotting ways to annoy them and to demonstrate to them that they had no real control over him.

Even the name of his garage band was used as a weapon against his parents, whom he believed had children only to serve as a diversion from their mundane lives.

His band, Acoustic Vomit, was loud and discordant and fundamentally without talent, something other kids quickly realized and, consequently, stayed away from. But Tony Salermo and Quack Sullivan, his band members, were convinced Jacob was a talented songwriter and guitarist. Tony, who asserted that he played bass, believed Jacob was a god; he would do anything Jacob asked. Quack believed in Jacob's talent, too, but secretly thought his own skills on the keyboard clearly outstripped Jacob's talent. Morevoer, Quack thought Jacob's lyrics were nonsensical and detrimental to the music.

SNIPPET #2
He formed his first truly successful business at twenty-six, a market segmentation consulting firm that targeted businesses whose demographic targets were betweent the ages of 16 and 24. The success of the business came in spite of its name, Bloodlust Market Management and Snack Shop. Thanks to Jacob's extraordinary skill at convincing prospective clients that he had his finger on the pulse of, and could actually control, discretionary spending by 16 to 24 year-olds, he could have called his company something far more offensive...it would not have mattered to his clients, whose only motivation and whose most intense fear involved revenue targets.

Politics is Personal

Yesterday got ugly. After sparring all day with board members about the poor performance of a staff member who I just decided to let go, an unexpected bombshell was dropped. I was informed they would be "looking at our options" to replace my company's services. This was after we had reviewed the failings not only of the staffer, whose illness I am convinced played a major role in nonperformance, but of certain organization representatives who contributed mightily to confusion, etc. And, it was after I explained how I would personally be involved on a day-to-day basis from here on.

When told that options would be explored and that they hoped I would submit a proposal, I responded that I would, instead, be delivering official notice of termination according to our contract. I would not, I explained, hire a replacement executive on the off-chance that they might decide to stay. I further explained that, after all of our conversations over the past few weeks and the commitments made by both parties to the other, I was dumbfounded at their about-face.

I was asked to give them some privacy for a few minutes, after which they said they would not be exploring their options, after all. Instead, we will go back to the earlier-agreed process: both sides will seek to improve processes and communications and both will monitor performance, expecting improvement.

I'll get this in writing, of course, but still have doubts. Their lead person is someone who, in my view, has an axe to grind and a personal agenda.

Today, I meet with a smaller group of them to dissect their miserably failed legislative efforts this year, efforts for which they paid far more than they paid for our services and efforts in which we had very little involvement.

All politics is personal.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Rain Helps

I've been interviewing people for the last few days, trying to find someone to replace the unfortunate staff member whose performance has been so abysmal and who, I hated to decide, had to be dismissed. She's still on board and seems to have actually gotten better, but it's too late. I hate it that she will be on the market again and will, no doubt, find it extremely hard to find a job. Anyway, I've been talking to applicants.

The applicants have ranged from a brand-new, fresh, wet-behind-the-ears college grad (today) to a well-seasoned manager who's "seen it all." During this stint of interviewing, I've decided that I'm actually looking for two positions, at least: one to replace the departing staffer...a person who can lead the client, serve as a sounding board for clients, and have credibility with them; and another to be a support person, someone with high energy, a quick learner with unbridled enthusiasm. The "college kid" I talked to today will come back on Monday; I liked him and he seems like a malleable person, but one who has sufficient backbone to avoid being molded into something he's not.

Yesterday, I interviewed a woman who is my age (she says), 53, but I was appalled to look at her. She was shriveled and her face was crossed with lines and wrinkles and there is evidence of a hard life behind her. That, alone, was hard to get beyond, but she added to the burden: her answers to all my questions were 95% longer than I'd had hoped and she blathered on about meaningless drivel. And she admitted it. This woman is close to unemployable, in my view, and I felt a deep sadness as I talked to her, knowing I would never offer her a job and feeling certain that few people would. Her husband died recently and she moved back to Dallas recently...and she is unemployable. That's heartbreaking. I wish I could snap my fingers and change her appearance and personal presentation so she could get a job. She has skills and knowledge, I'm convinced of it, but they do not overcome her own persona. I asked her if she smoked and she said no...but, as an ex-smoker (I smoked for more than 35 years), I could tell she does...and she can't control it. Shit. Poor woman. Why did I invite her in for an interview? It just depressed me.

Things continue to be troubling for me. Firing staff, looking for replacement, wishing I could just cash it all it and retire.

You who are better-situated than I, enjoy your lives. You who are in my position, get into a new one. I'm working on that, myself.

On another topic, my yard looks nice today. Rain helps.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Happy in Heat

I feel summer coming on, ready to erupt into a fiery dance around me, taunting me and laughing as I struggle to cast off the waves of oppressive heat. Summer's forward guard has been gentle thus far, but I feel it's ready to spring into action, baking the ground beneath my feet and toasting the air I breathe.

There are signals, signs, guideposts that point out the inevitable inferno that's coming, ready to tell anyone who will take the time to watch and listen. Maybe it's just that I've seen it before. I know it's on its way. It's ready to seek vengeance for being kept at bay for months on end. It will scream and shriek and shake its razor-sharp teeth at us and will motion us to come closer to feel the cool water. But, then, it will scald us with that wretched spray of sulfurous mist that escapes from faucets that are too far gone to even hope for a cool flow again.

Madmen and impoverished slaves settled in this climate. No one else would have elected to have lived here before the advent of artificial comfort. And the rest of us who followed are evidence that there are those among the living whose good sense has dried up in the sweltering heat.

Fortunately for me, I have frequent flyer miles and an air conditioned car. For me, the summer will be tolerable, at a minimum. I won't melt, I won't drown in my own sweat. If they can live in Tucson and Phoenix, we're OK here. We're more than OK. We're happy in heat. And we can always migrate.

Monday, June 4, 2007

You Probably Didn't Care to Know

Today, I spent part of the day writing and employment ad and then placing it on Monster.com. I'm short-staffed and just gave notice to another person, so I have to act quickly to get some folks on board so I can train them ASAP so they can be productive. Another part of my day was following up on un-done work for a particularly good client that I want to keep...but for which I have done too little of late. Too busy trying to put out raging forest fires in other quarters. Madness. Madness. Madness. Madness. Madness. Madness. Madness. Snap out of it!

True to form, the brilliant blue skies that were forecast for today turned menacing by mid-afternoon and then let loose another episode of raging winds and torrential rain. I was too busy to even look outside, but I heard my staff talking about it and overhead conversations about running to parking lot to retrieve umbrellas from cars. By the time I left the office, at a very early 5:35 pm, the skies had once again calmed and the sun was bright and blazing. Now, at 7:45 pm, the throaty growl of thunder is again rolling through the land and I'm expecting another bout of nature's burst of fascinating energy.

For reasons too complex to get into here, my wife and I decided to do a comparative taste-test this evening, comparing Gran Marnier with Triple Sec. Being the naive one I am, I had lived my entire life assuming the two were essentially interchangeable...both were, I thought, orange-flavored liqueurs. By the time we had both tasted the two of them, we had accumulated a bit more wisdom. Gran Marnier tasted, to me, like a hellishly sweet brandy with a slight flavor of orange and the stinging bite of brandy. Triple Sec, on the other hand, was like a hellishly sweet syrup with a distinct flavor of oranges gone bad and the smoothness of chocolate milk. Neither are suitable for human consumption by themselves. Triple Sec is suitable for drinking with good quantities of tequila and lime juice. I cannot imagine anything that would make Gran Marnier drinkable. Is it just my untrained palate?

My car's 10th birthday is approaching. The State of Texas informed me, via mail, that it's time to get new tags for the beast (who I've still not yet named, not really) soon. As I was going through some automobile paperwork in some old files, I came to learn that I have NOT driven my current automobile more miles than any previous one. I only have 152,000+ miles on it. According to the sales documentation on my last one, it had more than 158,800 when I traded it in. So, all my hooopla about keeping my cars longer and longer the older I get and, more importantly, my loud hoots about my current car having the most miles ever....it was all a fantasy. I must continue to drive the beast for many more miles before I can legitimately claim any records. Snarl, snap.

I've been able to confirm a few more of my upcoming trips...or, in some cases, to confirm that no trip is necessary. Next month, I'm in Dallas all month long. Then, a trip to Chicago in September, San Francisco in October, and that, in all likelihood, will comprise my business travel for the rest of the year. Something always comes up, but I doubt it will this time. It's unlikely I will make a trip to Bangkok in November, despite having an interest in going...I've been hammering my client aobut spending too much money and needing to put the brakes on spending, and I think I have been successful, to the extent that I won't be invited to make the trip. Who wants to fly to Bangkok for 36 hours of meetings, anyway? I may insist that my wife accompany me on a frequent-flyer funded trip someplace exotic later this year, though.

Enough of this, the thunder is getting aggressive and I'm not in the mood to have my computer cooked by a beautiful bolt of lightening.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Thunder and Lightening

Despite my good intentions to the contrary, I did not go out for an early morning walk today. After sleeping for a very long time (and coping with a very badly upset stomach for about 3 hours in the middle of the night), I awoke today to the distant sounds of rolling thunder. Soon after hearing those distant rumbles, the sounds became louder and sharper, rattling the windows and vibrating the foundation of the house. Bright flashes of lightening punctuated the dim light in the bedroom, despite the fact that the windows are covered with blinds. The sound of the wind pushing hard against the windows and roaring through the trees just outside was loud, but nothing in comparison to what became a rapid-fire succession of violent claps of thunder that shook the rafters and my teeth. With every explosive crack of thunder, brilliant rays of blue light instantly swept the room, flashing momentary images on my eyes. It was as if I were looking, just for an instant, at old photo negatives in which I could barely make out the four posts of the bed, the sofa in the corner, and the floor fan. To use a favorite phrase of some members of my family, the sights and sounds of the morning were like "all hell was breaking loose."

I got up, put on a robe and slippers, and plodded out to the living room. I peered into the flashing dark morning sky, watching the horizontal rain buffet the exterior walls of the house, standing memerized as thick bands of rain swept across the rooflines of the houses behind us. The trees and bushes in the back yard were being whipped into frenzies of motion, looking for all the world like the plants were struggling mightily to uproot themselves and take flight.

We have three large, floor-to-ceiling stationary windows along one entire wall looking out onto the back patio and into the back yard. Those windows give us a wonderful perspective on fast-moving storm clouds as they muscle their way across the sky from west to east. Of course, those same windows are almost invitations to catastrophe for anyone, like me, who stands awestruck watching the fury of nature. A terrific gust of wind could shatter those windows or, more likely, propel a tree limb or errant trash can through the air and through the windows.

One of the loudest cracks of thunder and most brilliant flashes of lightening coincided with a brief power outage, lasting only a few seconds. It was long enough, though, to trigger battery backup warnings, so I shut down my wife's computer and my ownn and went back to my view of nature's fury. After watching in wonder for awhile, the winds began to diminish and the rain began to let up. I made a pot of coffee, which has become a rarity for me during the last few months, washed some dishes, put away those I'd washed last night, and turned on the television to get some news of the weather. Apparently, the storms had not been predicted, not even by late last night. They sprang up unexpectedly and got worse as they marched eastward. Wind gusts in excess of 60 miles per hour had been recorded just a few miles west of our house and nickel-sized hail had been reported and was still being reported to the east of us. Widespread flooding of low-lying areas was reported.

My wife got up a short while later. She had made a very early night of it last night and had been in bed for about 12 hours by the time she got up, but she said she had not slept much during the night. After her first cup of tea, we began the day in earnest, taking aim at knocking down the chores and errands we had set aside for today. One of mine was to write just a bit in my blog, since I've been so short on postings of late. One chore down. Next time, I'll work on making it a more intriguing read.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Odds, Ends, and Others

Today's client meeting was painfully long and annoying...but I got something across to the client, I think, that may improve things moving forward. I discovered that none of the volunteer leaders can read a statement of financial position (balance sheet in the for-profit world) or an income statement; after I explained how to read the financial reports we provide them, they seemed to understand a bit better that we're managing the organization quite well, thank you. Still, it will be awhile before I know whether things are really on the road to being tolerable.

It can pay to know the rules of your frequent flyer program, or I assume it can pay. I don't know them well. I flew on American Airlines to London, then British Airways from London to Moscow. I assumed that, since BA is part of the "One World Alliance," I would get credited for actual miles for the London-Moscow segments. Not so. Not in riff-raff, economy ticket, class, anyway.

The AA/BA rules allowed me to earn only 25% of the actual miles between London and Moscow and return. I bought an "L" fare ticket, which the airlines apparently find almost as offensive as flying 'stow-away.' Such a ticket is treated by the airlines as only slightly more valuable than used chewing gum. My lengthy flights from Dallas to Moscow and return ultimately gave me only approximately 10,200 miles' credit on my frequent flyer account. Unless some unexpected trips come up between now and the end of the year, I'll probably lose my Advantage Gold status. Oh, well, it doesn't seem to do me any good, anyway. I'd rather lose my Gold status than have to travel any more. Business travel was fun for awhile, early in my career, but now it is tolerated only to keep clients.

The weather forecast calls for very warm nights and even warmer days for the next week or so. Maybe I can convince myself to go out for an early morning walk tomorrow morning anyway. I miss hearing birds chirp. I need to go outdoors more.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Better Days

I've not been in the mood to write much lately. My mind has been on problems at the office. My return flights from my terribly short trip to Moscow had me worrying, thinking, and wishing that I could snap my fingers and go beyond the stress I've been feeling of late.

A client has gotten very unhappy with a staff member whose performance, despite my hopes and efforts to the contrary, has continued to deteriorate. This is the same staff member who suffered a serious medical problem late last year. The client board has reached its limits; so much so that there has been talk of terminating the contract. They have insisted that she go. So, I had to take action. I informed the staff member that I'm terminating her employment, but offered to give her a decent severance package if she will stay for a short while to help us with the transition to a new client manager. That's tough. If I were in her shoes, I would have turned it down, but she has agreed. Now, it's a matter of cajoling the client into staying.

Another client is squawking about how much they're paying and will visit me tomorrow (a Saturday, as usual) to talk. It's a small, annoying client, only a year plus into our agreement. I'm in no mood to be berated for charging too much by a client that's getting far more than it's paying for. If things get awkward, I am prepared to deliver a notice of termination to the client tomorrow, albeit it will not be something I want to do. But, life's too short.

Yet another client, a tiny little group that I've allowed to stay on out of sympathy, is just too much trouble, so I called the president of the organization today and left a message for her to call me. When she does, I'll inform her that I'm resigning the account.

Now that I read this, and posts I've made in the past, it looks like I am trying to deconstruct my business. That's not it at all. I am just having to come to grips with the fact that I have been insufficiently selective about the clients I have taken on. It's a danger, this dance I'm doing, but I have to face up to the fact that I've let things go on too long.

When all this is over, I'll be happier or bankrupt or both.